Billy Don't Be Hero
Poor Mr. Lane, duped again by his old lady. When is that man going to learn that the good Lawd put me on this planet to torment him? Obviously my husband is a little slow. Maybe that's why I like him so much.
As if his self-inflicted injury weren't enough embarrassment, (please see post with photo below) he saw that I posted it on the internet. I was adding links to my sidebar and he looked over my shoulder.
"Hey! That's me! What the fuck, Lois?!"
"I'm practically making you famous. Shut up!"
"Famous my ass! You're making fun of me again, aren't you?"
"Would I do that?"
"In a heartbeat!"
"If it's any consolation, everyone felt sorry for you and told me to tell you they hope you feel better."
"Really? That was nice. But come on, I didn't even suck in my gut. I guess what's done is done. Let me read the comments."
So here is a man whom I've dedicated my life to for 18 years. That's half of my life, people! He's never taken an interest in my writing. He's never read my blog or anything I've published in the outside world. But suddenly, because it's all about him, he has an interest. Eat me, I'm a Danish!
"I don't have time to show you all the nice comments now."
I was lying anyhow, there weren't any nice comments. You guys, like me, got a big fat LOL at his expense. Thankfully he is slow and forgot all about it later.
I totally forgot to tell you about my sister in-law Deb and I being real live super heroes. I know, how could I forget something so important! On our way back from Menard's, for our third trip, I spotted a guy sitting on his patio, face-down. He had gray hair, glasses and looked to be pretty old.
"Deb, did you see that... um... that guy?"
"The dead guy back there?"
"Well, I don't know if he's dead. He looks pretty dead."
"What are you smoking?"
"No really. I'm not kidding, Deb. This old guy on his patio is hunched over in his chair, and his head is face down on the table in front of him."
Still driving, and now a couple blocks away from the dead man, she said, "Should we turn around?"
"I don't know. I really don't want to see dead people. I mean, I do want to turn around and help but..."
"Yeah, he's dead. We can fix decks, but we can't fix dead."
Continuing down the 40 MPH road, we drove in silence, but my mind wouldn't stop talking. I had to expel my thoughts.
"Deb, what if he is just passed out from the heat? What if he isn't dead yet and can be revived. We both know CPR. What if we can save him?"
"Shit! I was thinking the same thing."
We flipped a Uey in the middle of the street to go save the dead guy. By then, we were a couple of miles away.
"Are you sure we didn't pass him already?"
"Yeah, he was way down there. You know Deb, super heroes like us don't have to worry about gas conservation or prices."
"We should get some capes."
"What super hero doesn't have a cape? We are gonna save this guy's life! We are like the Double D Death Defiers! We fuckin' rock, Deb!"
"Yeah, we really do!"
Overly dramatic, I shouted, "Hey, Deb! There he is! That dead fellow is over there!"
Accidentally driving right by him, we flipped another Uey. (is that even how you would spell that? Should I have written U-turn instead? Well, it's too late to go back and delete now.)
Slowly creeping by his house, we could both see the dead man.
"Oh God, Lois, he is dead."
"Maybe we can mouth-to-mouth him."
"What if he is just taking a nap?"
"Then he'll be surprised to see his dream come true with your lips pressed against his."
"Who said I was the one doing the mouth-to-mouth?"
"1, 2, 3... NOT IT!"
"Shit! You got me!"
Now stopped, in front of the house, I began to feel bad that we were joking when an older gentleman was clearly dead. Deb's nervous laughter told me she too was beginning to worry.
"Let's just beep, and see if that does anything to him."
"Deb, what if he is just napping and the beep gives him a heart attack?"
"Well, then we will be right here ready to revive him. By the way Lois, 1, 2, 3,...NOT IT!"
"Bitch! You got me!"
And the man jumped up from his chair. He wasn't dead after all!
We quickly drove away. Looking back at the confused, but alive dead man, I said, "You know what Deb?"
"We totally saved that man's life. We really are super heroes."