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Sunday, December 05, 2004

The Passing Of The Spatula

As the Christmas holiday approaches, I can't help but think how I am not looking forward to this year's feast. Every year, for all of my life, I've been treated to my mother's culinary gifts. Mom is the world's greatest cook. Okay, so maybe we all think that about our mothers.

Anyhow, Mom also has always prepared Thanksgiving dinner. This year, things were a little different, which is what has me not so thrilled about Christmas dinner.

My sister, the oldest of the girls in my eight-sibling family, is slowly being introduced to the kitchen and its workings. My mother, for whatever reason, thought it would be a good idea to direct our Thanksgiving dinner as my sister prepared it.

Some people should not step foot into a kitchen. My sister is one of those people. Thanksgiving wasn't a complete train wreck, however, it did provide a few bumps and bruises even without a visit from Uncle Drunken Fool. While attempting to mash potatoes, my sister managed to wedge her hand in the hand mixer. Apparently she took the words, "hand mixer" literally.

She tried to explain how it happened. To be honest, I didn't listen to her complete description of the events, I was laughing too hard. It had something to do with trying to get the beaters out and rather than hitting the eject button, she hit the turbo-high speed button.

The whole thing struck me really funny. Besides the fact that she got stuck in the hand mixer, she kept calling it a blender. For all of you novice cooks, those are two entirely different kitchen appliances.

Following the story of the "Attack of the Killer Blender," my Chef Boyardee sister explained why she did not make the holiday Jell-O. She said something about the killer blender and how it already attacked her once and she'd be damned if it were going to happened to her again. I was going to tell my sister that a hand mixer (or blender, as she likes to call it) is not a required tool when making Jell-O, but I didn't want to confuse her anymore than she obviously already was. So like Jell-O, I let it slide.

I hope anyone reading this can understand why I am less than thrilled about this next holiday meal.

I should have known better, I should have said I was dieting, I should have said I'm allergic, I should have... ordered takeout.