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Monday, December 20, 2004

Winter Weather Weenie

The weather here was so cold this weekend I just didn't want to go anywhere. I could've lounged and blogged day and night - until spring. Maybe I should have been a bear. I would love to sleep through this crap we call winter.

Instead of enjoying the warmth of my humble abode, I braved the cold, and spent a good chunk of my weekend shopping for a laundry list of people. I got a lot of stuff done and feel less panicked about the upcoming festivities.

Getting there is half the fun, or so they say. I went outside to start my car and warm it up a little. The doors were frozen shut. The windows were layered with thick frost and my damn ice scraper was on the inside of the car.

It was so cold outside, I could feel my nipples just snap off and roll down my shirt. My nose began to do that drippy faucet trick, you know the kind of tricky snot that gives no warning before it just drips out like a fucking Mr. Coffee Machine. The kid in me immediately went to wipe with her sleeve. The grownup in me stopped her. I went back in the house. I tried blowing but it wasn't blowable. I tried sniffing it back but it wasn't sniffable. I tried sucking it through the back of my throat to spit it out but it wasn't suckable. I did what had to be done. That's right, I stuffed each nostril full of tissue and went back outside. I'm sure I looked sexy as hell too.

I tried opening the car door again, still frozen. I bounced my ass against the car, hoping to loosen the ice so I could open it. Anyone driving by must have gotten an eyeful as I dirty danced with my car, doing the infamous black girl, rap video, booty bounce.

Why is it that I am going through all of this shit when I have a perfectly good garage I could be using? Oh, that's right! I have children. And my garage is currently filled with so much of their shit, I can't fit a goddamned pencil in there let alone a fucking car.

My ass became numb. I think it was frozen. I reached for the car door handle. It finally opened. I started the car and reached for my scraper. I was glad I had the hindsight to buy one last week. I cranked the heat all the way up, put the defrosters on, got out and shut the door. I began scraping the windows with my handy new scrapper and my ungloved hands.

What the fuck? This brand new scraper blows! I turned it every which way, none of the sides worked for shit! It was as efficient as taking three finger nails and rubbing them against the window. Three little fucking lines. Great now my windshield looked like Vanilla Ice and his stupid fucking eyebrows! I flung the scraper into the bushes and went back in my house. Almost 40 minutes had gone by, no wonder why I had frostbite on all of my 2,000 parts.

After the defrosters did their job, I plucked the snot rags out of my nose and I was off and running. Look out holiday shoppers, here I come!

I had a list of everyone and everything I planned on buying. I popped in and out of the mall, virtually unscathed. I headed toward the biggest department store around here, Kay's Merchandise. They have everything from tools to toys, from furniture to flutes, needless to say, I was in there for a long ass time. But hey, I got a lot of stuff and didn't spend an exuberant amount of money. I almost smiled at that thought. Almost.

My arms lined with bags, I walked to my car. It was a long walk in a very big, cold, windy parking lot. I tried to open my trunk but it was frozen shut. I wiggled it but nothing. I unlocked the car and reached for the back door, frozen. My mind raced as I envisioned doing the Shaniqua booty call in the fucking mall parking lot. No fucking way! I will cry helpless female and find some sucker to help me before I get caught ass dancing in public. I mean, it's one thing to do it for your neighbors...

My concerns quickly subsided when the driver door opened. I flung the bags into the backseat and reached for my ice scraper. Fuck!

I sat in my car while it warmed. Every inch of me was freezing. The windows were layered in frost. With my defrosters working overtime, at least seven minutes later, I scrunched down in my seat to peek out of the tiny hole that had defrosted. I contemplated driving while scrunched but it was such a tiny hole. I couldn't see out of the side or back windows. Taking my chances on getting all of the stuff I just bought stolen, not to mention someone taking my car, I ran back in the store.

I asked the first worker I saw, "Ice scrapers?"
"Sold out."

I ran back to my car. The car, the frosted windows and the contents remained in tact. It was at this point my nose ran out of dripping juice and just fell off of my face, kind of like Michael Jackson's. With nothing to lose, I pulled out my driver's license. I got out of my car and scraped my windows with it and it worked a helluva lot better than that goddamned piece of shit ice scrapper I bought. After 30 minutes, with no nipples or nose, and each of my fingers cracking and bleeding at every knuckle, I could finally see well enough to drive away.

When I finally got back home, I wrapped myself in a fresh-out-of-the-dryer blanket and curled up with a hot cup of coffee. Chilled to the bone, I began to realize. It doesn't matter that I have lived in Illinois nearly all of my life. I will always be a winter weather weenie!