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Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Obligatory Gift Giving

Who the hell are all of these people on my list, and why do I have to buy presents for them? I made my list and checked it twice, and I found out I only like three people on my "To Buy For" list. Why is it that every year I feel I have to get something for everyone?

Over the weekend while visiting friends, I heard those dreaded words, "You guys are going to love what we got you for Christmas!" Not only are they done shopping, these alleged friends had broken the unwritten rule of friendship. Maybe I'm the only one who lives by this rule, but for me and my real friends it works. I buy for the have tos, you know like family. And because my family is Irish Catholic, there are way too many of us. Doesn't anyone play cards anymore? No. For our family, it's all about procreation, which as it seems, most of us can't even do that right. We basically have a gang of 25 nieces and nephews who are all as rotten as the day is long.

The majority of my list, is an exact replica of Santa's naughty list! These little brats don't deserve presents, they deserve Ritalin. I wonder if that comes in holiday colors?

Listen, panic is setting in, big time! I have ten days to shop for 35 people. I haven't bought nary a gift. Yeah, I know I said I would get in the spirit once I found the most perfect Christmas tree but nothing is happening on the inside. I feel nothing.

I put on my thinking cap this morning to search my mind for what is wrong with my Christmas spirit. I went as far back as the birth of Jesus. Hold your holy horses for a second. These "wisemen" gave a baby what? Okay people, I now have proof that baby Jesus was the first regifter.

What the hell is a baby going to do with Frankincense and Myrrh? He's gonna regift it, that's what. The gold? Well, he probably kept that. I mean what newborn king doesn't need a little bling bling in his life?

If the wisemen were women, they would have shown up with a rattle, a diaper and a bottle that says "I Heart Jesus Me!" It would have been a little more like the first baby shower, rather than the first Christmas.

So with my thinking cap firmly attached to my head, I thought what would Jesus do? (Hey, I've heard that somewhere before.) Anyhow, I went into my kids' bedrooms, dusted off some barely used toys and planned out my regifting. Whadya mean it's not regifting if I steal from my children? I bought most of that crap, so in a sense, it's mine to take. Maybe this cap is on too tight.

Okay, so I have no plan of shopping attack. But, I have found out where my Christmas spirit is hiding. The whole damn thing is too commercialized. There are too many gifts to buy for people I would rather not, and the hamster who runs the wheel in my head knows it and as a result has gone on strike. Great, now I'm really screwed!