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Thursday, January 13, 2005

Confession Central

I've been doing a lot of searching of my mental files lately. I think about some of the things I did as a kid at my kid's ages (10 and 12) and wonder what kinds of things are they might be doing. I would be a fool to think they were not doing anything. Right?

I enrolled them into a private school after public school turned into a poor babysitter. So far, I see big changes in both Lane 1 and Lane 2. They are doing well, getting good marks, being challenged and all the other good stuff that I, as a parent, want to see from my children's school.

Just because it's a private school does not mean that I am naive enough to think they are holier than thou and do no wrong. I know they are kids, therefore, they do stuff. Hell, I went to a private school and look how I turned out! (See "Cheater Pants" below or continue reading this post.)

Thinking back to all of the different little not so good things, I was put in mind of one. It was an on going thing that I did and my parents knew nothing about. If there is a hell, I am certainly going there.

Entering the Wayback machine. Fire up the engines and liftoff!

My dad bought me a pack of Necco Wafers because I had been a good girl all week. It was the first time I ever had them. My dad said they were one of the best candies from his childhood. The little brown noser in me wanted to love them as much as he did.

I had to lie. "Wow Dad! These are great!"

I shared a few with him and skipped off to my room. My sister Angie, who was in trouble that week and didn't deserve a treat, knew something was up when I offered some to her. She actually liked them. I gave her the rest of the pack and told her to not tell Dad.

A week later, my father came home from work again, he had his hand behind his back.

"Lois, guess what Daddy got for you?"
"Ooooh, is it Fruitstripe Gum?"
"Uh... no. Name another one of your favorites."
"Is it a KitKat Bar?"
"Hmmm... think honey. What did you tell me that you loved so much last week?"
"Oh, (hangs head in shame) those round candies you had when you were my age? Please say no, please say no, please say no! "
"You guessed it! They're called Necco Wafers. Here you go."

He kissed me on the forehead and walked away. I saw my sister looking at me out of the corner of my eye. The bitch was smiling ear-to-ear.

"Here Ang, you'll like these too. You were a good girl this week, weren't you?"
"Yes Daddy!" she said batting her lying eyes at him.
"That's my girl."

When our dad walked out of the room, smirky bitch face held out her hand. She assumed since I didn't like them, I would be offering them to her again. Wrong!

"No. You can't have them. I like them."
"You liar!"
"No, I'm not a liar! And besides, I want to share them with my friends at school."
"I hate you!"
"I hate you more! INFINITY!"

I went outside to see if there were any neighbor kids I could talk into taking the Necco Wafers off my hands. There weren't. I went back into the house and put them into my book bag. I told my dad that I was going to share them with my classmates. He was proud and I know I scored more brownie points for sharing than Angie, stuff her fat stupid face did.

The next day at school during recess word spread like wild fire about my candy. Before long, I had a line of "friends" who wanted me to share with them.

I had a brilliant idea!

Being in a Catholic school, all of the students were familiar with confession. After we confessed our sins to the priest in the little box called a confessional booth, we said a few prayers, which cleansed our sin and we were able to take communion. (a round, thin wafer similar to the Necco but with much less crunch)

As I saw my line of "followers" growing, I said, "Step right up! The confessional is now open! If you want a candy flavored communion, you have to tell me your sins."

To this day I am amazed that the kids actually stayed in that line, let alone spilled the beans about their wrongdoings.

"Forgive me Lois for I have sinned. It's been three days since my last confession and in that time I have sinned by telling Mary that she is a bad word. A really bad word. The 'B' word."

"Okay. Go to the swings. Swing as high as you can. Jump off from the highest point while saying sorry to God and your sins will be forgiven." I placed the Necco Wafer on her tongue.

"Forgive me Lois for I have sinned. I got in a big fight with my brother this morning and told my mom that he started it when I really was the one who started it."

"Climb to the top of the slide. Slide down while saying you are sorry to God and your sins will be forgiven." I placed the Necco Wafer on her tongue.

This went on until the bell rang. We played again every time my dad brought me home a surprise. It was good wholesome fun, except for the fact that it was sacrilegious as all hell.