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Thursday, July 28, 2005

Can't Put This Opossum In A Cage

I made contact with the opossum lady and we planned to meet at 7 p.m. (See last two posts if you are wondering why I would want to meet with the opossum lady.) She has been a wildlife rehabilitator for nine years. She specializes in opossum babies and was willing to meet me halfway to pick them up.

Every kid in the neighborhood came to see the babies off to their new surrogate mom's house. With roughly twenty kids (no exaggeration) waving goodbye, I backed out of the driveway. Lane 2 was holding the box with the babies and Lane 1 was blabbing about how glad he is that someone else will be taking care of them.

My boy is a bit squeamish, apparently. He didn't like the look of their pink naked bodies and he really hated feeding and potty time. He was the only kid who wasn't bugging me to hold one.

"Dude, Mom! That is so gross!"

"So what do you want me to do? You and the rest of the kids came running to get me to help these babies and now I'm doing all I can, and you think it's nasty. I can't win can I?"

"Not this time Mom. They are gross!"

"Want a little mustard on your hotdog Son?" I asked as I wiped a baby's butt.

He gagged and left the room.

In the car, I asked Lane 1, "So you're saying you won't miss them?"


"Not even one tiny little bit?"

"Mom, they creep me out. All I can think of when I look at them is My Precious."

"Who is that?"

"The freaky naked dude on Lord of the Rings."

"Okay, so they are ugly, but they are babies. And you know the whole freakin' neighborhood was counting on me to keep them alive. That's a lot of pressure. Now they will be in someone's care who knows what the hell they are doing."


We pulled into the meeting place and didn't see her truck. So I parked and we waited. Lane 2 took them out of the box, and had them cupped in her little hand. She was talking baby talk to them, telling them that they are going to a new home, to have a new mommy and telling them how much she would miss them. The boy sat rolling his eyes.

Racing into the parking lot like a cop entering a Krispy Kreme doughnut shop, her truck pulled up next to me. She was in the passenger seat, which told me the person driving had been directed to hurry.

She hopped out of the truck in such a hurried way it just made me laugh. In my mind I heard her say, "Stand back everyone! I am the great and powerful Opossum Lady and I've come to save the babies!" All she was missing was a cape. Yeah, I have an active imagination.

She had an animal carrier in her hand and rushed toward my car. I got out, took the babies from Lane 2's hand. As I went to place them into her carrier, she said, "Oh my gosh! These are so small. I am amazed they've made it this far. You've done a good job Lois. You should be proud of yourself."

I felt like I was playing Robin to her Batman. "I just did what I could."

She grabbed my wrist as I was about to place them in the carrier. She looked me very seriously in the eyes and said, "They are too small. The carrier isn't warm enough. I am going to have to keep them warm with body heat."

This is where I have to interrupt her speaking to stress to you how serious this lady was. There was this urgency in her eyes and her voice. She must keep them warm...

"I will hold them in my bra." she continued.

What have I done??? I was giving these babies to a opossum pervert, the kind who surfs the net for opossum porn! The kind of pervert who probably makes her own opossum porn! What have I done???

"I'm sorry, haha. I thought I heard you say you were going to put them in your bra, hahaha."

Stone faced, she said, "Yes, that's what I said. They must stay warm."

"Yes, they must."

What else could I have said? Should I have blurted all of the things I was thinking, "Are you going to stick them in your pouch when you get home? Will they suckle directly from your nipple? Are you the Michael Jackson of opossums? "

I repeated, "Yes, they must stay warm."

I admit, I went to great lengths to keep the little guys alive but sticking them in my bra was just something I couldn't have thought of or done, in a million years.

What have I done???