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Friday, November 18, 2005

I Am The Warrior

Thanks for all of the blood type guesses the other day. I am O+, which means I am a trendsetter, loyal, passionate, self-confident, independent, ambitious, vain and jealous.

I mean, I know I am setting trends over here with my doorag. I'll bet those snobby PTA ladies will all be sporting one in no time. And loyal, hells yeah! I'm like a friggin' golden retriever as I sit here awaiting my master's return from his three-weeklong journey.

Oh passion, I got that covered too. Of course, that may have something to do with the old man being gone for three weeks. Mama's ready to rock and roll.

Independence, I got that covered too, which oddly enough ties into the rest of my "type." For example, my self-confidence tells me if the one I am loyal to doesn't hurry home for that passionate side of me, I'll become ambitious and independently take care of business. IfyouknowwhatI'msayin'.

That leaves vain and jealous. I think my site meter proves the vain part but where does that jealousy fall in? I know it's there. I feel it in my bones.

Out here in the middle of nowhere, there isn't a heck of a lot to do. I live on the outskirts of one of those rural Wal-Mart communities. Yesterday after taking the kids to school, I had to go there to pick up some paper for my printer. I pulled into the lot at 8:15 a.m. It seemed quite empty for our local Wal-Mart.

I think most parents drop their kids off and go right over to Wal-Mart to catch up on the gossip of the day. As I parked, I noticed a couple of people walking back to their cars. I sat there people watching and saw no one was getting into the store. I thought, "Weird. It's never closed at this time of day."

I continued watching. The doors were locked. I drove around to see if there was a closed sign. After squinting my peepers, I saw on the inside door, in small print a sign that read, "Heats out. Sorry closed."

They put their incomplete sentences on the inside door. You would practically have to press your face against the glass of the outside door to see it. But being only 10 degrees (F) out, the steam from your breath would probably fog the window, keeping you from seeing the sign anyhow.

I parked again and watched. I needed paper and really didn't want to drive 30 miles for some. I saw a lady getting out of her truck. I tried rolling my window down to tell her they were closed but my window was frozen shut. I gave her the look and lipped "They are closed." but she just sort of ignored me.

She walked to the entrance, tried pushing the door open while in a continuous walking flow and smashed her face and arm into the locked door. She threw her arms up in the air and said, "What the fuck?"

I tried not to laugh.

She stormed back to her truck and looked at me. I shrugged my shoulders at her. She shook her head and got back into her truck. She got out of her truck and approached my car.

The last thing I need first thing in the morning is a disgruntled Wal-Mart shopper coming toward me. She motioned to my door handle, I waved her into my car. (Shut up Mother! I so could have taken her!)

She hopped in and said, "Shit! My truck won't start. Can you give me a ride?"

"Sure," I said. It's not like I was doing anything anyhow.

"My name is Dawn."

"I'm Lois."

"Good to meet you."

"Yeah, you too. Better circumstances would have been nice."

"No kidding, huh?"

There were a few seconds of weird silence. Until I blurted, "So... what would you have bought if you got in Wal-Mart?" Yes, I realize that was just stupid but awkward silence scares me.

"Snow pants. My daughter is waiting for me at school. She can't go outside at recess time without some. I just had that god damned truck fixed! I had it over at Seth's Auto and paid an arm and a leg to get it back. I knew it wasn't running right. Oh, you were supposed to turn back there."

"Sorry." I don't know why I apologized. She never said where we were going or where I should turn.

"Just turn around and go down here."

"What size is your daughter? I might have some snow pants that my daughter outgrew."

"I was going to get a six or seven, but only if they weren't too expensive. I couldn't get her any last year because they cost too much, and now with more truck troubles. Aw, fuck it. She'll get less colds this winter if she isn't playing outside. See that big blue truck? Pull in that driveway. It's my sister's house."

And then she was gone. I drove back over to Wal-Mart to see if they were open. I saw a heating and air truck parked near the entrance so I assumed it wouldn't be long. I drove back home to dig through next spring's garage sale shit and found the snow pants. Size seven. "Perfect!"

I drove back to her sister's house and knocked on the door. There was no answer. I should have known when I didn't see the truck in the driveway. So I thought, they are probably over at Wal-Mart or Seth's. I began driving and realized, I had no idea where Seth's Auto was. I was driving by Wal-Mart again and decided to cut through their lot. I saw an old angry man walking away from the locked doors.

"Excuse me. Sir? Do you know where Seth's Auto is?"

"What do I look like? A map?" With his wrinkled old white body and his ultra veiny face and neck, that could easily pass as highways and byways, I wanted to say "Yes."

Instead I said, "Um... no sir. You look like someone who is angry. I'm sorry you are having a bad day."

"Why is this placed closed anyhow?"

"Their heat is out. They put a sign up but it is posted on the inside door."


"Yes sir, they are. I hope your day brightens up."

He smiled and walked away. I headed toward the industrial part of town with the snow pants. I figured Seth's would be somewhere around there. I was amazed that I found it right away.

Dawn was nowhere to be seen. I walked into the shop and asked about her. She didn't leave a phone number but had already dropped her keys off and left. Since I had already wasted a lot of time, gas and still didn't have paper for my printer, my mind was beginning to say "fuck it."

Last chance for Wal-Mart and on the way, I planned on sticking the snow pants in the door of Dawn's sister's house. As I opened the screen door to stuff them in, the inside door opened. It was Dawn's sister. She thanked me and said Dawn was on her way to work, and was using her truck.

On my way home, I drove by Wal-Mart again. It was open. I finally got my paper.

I'm a firm believer in everything happening for a reason. I have no idea what the reason was for all of that odd ball shit that took place yesterday. I can only hope Dawn's daughter is warm this winter and gets to play outside with her friends. I can hope the cranky old man in the parking lot did cheer up and have a better day. And I can hope my bizarre way of getting out of doing my work for a couple of hours, gave me a fresh palette to work with.

(It is not recommended to pick up strangers.)

This weekend, checkout DutchWest TV. My buddy Sam is a friggin' hoot! There are some very amusing things there! It's like Kids in the Hall meet the Internet. Have a great weekend everyone!