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Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Your Love Amaizes Me

One of my favorite Halloween traditions, is visiting a nearby haunted corn maze. Sunday, just after dark, we headed out. During the car ride over, the kids teased their dad reminding him of his reaction to the maze last year. Something about him screaming like a girl, thrills us beyond words.

We arrived at the dark cornfield, located in the middle of nowhere. There are no streetlights or buildings nearby, making it very dark. The corn stalks are six-feet tall and wind around for miles. One wrong turn can keep you lost for hours. The 80s thriller, Children of the Corn, and the Labyrinth, both come to mind.

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With glow sticks (flashlights aren't allowed) lighting our way and a map like the one above, we were off.

Even armed with a picture of the maze, made of maize, getting lost was easy. You feel like a character in the movie, Honey I Shrunk the Kids as you try to find your way. Big scary monsters jump out at you around every turn. And of course, this is the part where Mr. Lane begins screaming.

Early on my husband was happy, frisky and a lot of ass grabby. That was until the first scary dude snuck up from behind. I was leading, Lane 2 was hanging tightly around my waist. Lane 1 was behind us and Mr. Lane was at the back of our line. It was pitch black and had been quiet for too long.

The sound of a chain saw ripped through the night, followed by that oh-so-familiar scream, and suddenly, Mr. Lane was leading our line.

"Lois, I'm getting too old for this crap. That guy almost gave me a heart attack," he said out of breath.

"You're okay," I reassured, holding back my laughter, as I shoved him forward.

Before the next scary monster to could jump out, Mr. Lane decided Lane 1 would lead us. He shoved our boy to the front of our line, holding him like a shield by his arms, while peeking out over our son's shoulder.

"Way to use me as bait, Dad."

We eventually caught up with a guy and a girl, I'd guess they were in their early 20s. Initially, we were happy to see other people, because it made us feel like we were going the right way. Of course, they could have been lost too.

Lane 1 jumped as high as he could, in an attempt to see over the corn. In the center of the maze is a giant scarecrow perched high upon a post and slightly illuminated. When Lane 1 spotted that, he knew we were on the right path.

After a good mile of teasing my husband about his girly scream, we were all about to encounter another less manly scream. The guy in front of us let out a high-pitched terrified squeal because the scarecrow was no longer on the post. He jumped out at the guy and his girlfriend. The guy fell back into the stalks of corn.

Mr. Lane, seeing and hearing someone who over reacted like he does, made him slightly aware. Not so aware that he didn't scream. However, his scream suddenly sounded more masculine. Hearing him change the pitch of his scream, cracked me and the kids up something awful. The three of us were buckled over laughing, until Mr. Lane flung his body back in fear, hitting us like dominos. With the four of us laying on the ground, me at the bottom of the doggy pile, we laughed our asses off. Well, at least three of us did.

We stood back up, brushed ourselves off and replayed the scene to Mr. Lane as we watched the scarecrow climb back up to his post. The kids teased their father unmercifully.

"Oh God Dad! That was the best! You were like screaming all deep trying not to sound like a girl! Hahaha!" Lane 1 nearly peed his pants.

"Did you hear that other guy?" Lane 2 asked. "He sounded even more girly than Daddy! Hahaha! Oh Dad, you kill me!"

"My favorite part was how you almost laughed at the screaming guy and then, when the scarecrow came after you, your giggle turned into a terrified scream. But don't worry honey, your scream was much more manly than that other guy's."

We parted ways from the couple and before long, we were going around in one giant circle. I stopped walking, Lane 2 was still hanging onto my side. I heard some rustling. I leaned down and whispered to my daughter, "Here comes another one. Let's stay here and watch the boys crap their pants."

The grim reaper was after them. Both were screaming and trying to throw each other forward. We got a good laugh at their expense. A few moments later, we realized we were going in a circle because the same grim reaper leaped out at us again. That time, Mr. Lane shoved our daughter's arms off of my waist, and clung onto me like a spider monkey. He didn't let go until we were nearing the exit.

Two hours after our journey began, we were out of the maze. The exit meets the entrance and a long line of people were waiting. Mr. Lane offered our glow sticks to people in line.

A man asked him, "How was it?"

"It was good."


"Well, not really. I mean, for the kids, it was."

Lane 1 and Lane 2 overheard him and told the guy everything. The whole truth and nothing but the truth. Mr. Lane smiled sheepishly.