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Saturday, October 24, 2009

One Thing Leads To Another

In kindergarten, my son, Lane 1 got into trouble when he stepped out of line to play with the drinking fountain. He received his first detention that day. At the time, and now looking back, I really don’t think it was detention worthy. But like everything in life, it was a lesson learned.

At the age of 5, he said he “saw a spider on the spout, and wanted to send it down the drain so nobody would drink it on accident.”

I stuck to the “rules are rules” bit as we parents tend to do, even though I thought the punishment didn’t fit the crime. I told him it was thoughtful worrying about others and suggested if it happened again he could just let a teacher know.

After his detention was served, I picked him up. He didn’t like staying after school. The look in his big ol’ sad brown eyes said it all.

My son is now a senior in high school. At the age of 17, he received his second detention. Actually it’s called an in school suspension. A lot of years have passed without incident, for which, I am very thankful. I believe sticking to your guns is essential. Rules are rules…no matter how stupid they may seem.

Again, I really didn’t think the punishment fit the crime, but I stayed on the teacher’s side…until the dean of students wanted to talk to me about “What I think may be wrong with him.”

Too many people try to psychoanalyze children these days. As you may have guessed, I was not too shy to tell the dean I thought so.

Initially, I walked into the school feeling nervous, hot in the belly and whatnot, as if it were my ass in a sling. At that point, I had no idea what my son did wrong, but I knew it must have been a doozie if I had to go in for a meeting with the dean and vice principal.

I’ll get back to that meeting in a minute. First, I’d like you to see what he did that caused him to spend the entire day out of his classes.


…drew this in art class.

I know. I know! He comes by it honestly, what can you do?!

What? You don’t see it? Look, in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Balloon Boy! (who incidentally, I have demoted to "Hiding in a Garage Boy" since he was never in the damn balloon)

No, silly! It’s a penis. A super penis. In fact, it is a Super Happy Penis!

Once I was shown the drawing, I don't know how, but I was able to keep my game face on, even though inside I laughed so hard my belly button knot nearly came untied. Seriously! Look at the "D" on its chest and the blue balls! Maybe he's not super happy after all.

The dean told me he wanted to get to the root of my son’s problem. I said, “Really? You really think something is wrong with him? Like not right? Like not playing with a full deck? Like the kid has a screw loose?”

“Well I wouldn’t go that far… but I am very concerned about this drawing. It’s as if he is acting out.”

“Acting out? Really? Hmm… I would think acting out at this age would be, oh I don’t know, perhaps something a little heavier, like failing classes, dabbling in sex, drugs and alcohol, skipping school, getting in trouble with the law etc.”

“Mrs. Lane, as I’m sure you are aware, one thing leads to another.”

And this is where Mrs. Lane turned into Mrs. Insane. My head sort of spun around in a Linda Blair fashion, as the following words fell from my mouth, “Last year when my son was failing algebra, no one bothered to call or email. But he draws a penis, and here we are in a meeting of the minds discussing his acting out? Really?! What exactly do you think this penis drawing will lead to? A career as a urologist? Gayness? Super gayness?”

“Mrs. Lane, it’s very inappropriate, and clearly something is wrong.”

“Inappropriate, no doubt, but you name me one teenage boy…hell, name me one grown man who doesn’t think of his penis as a super hero and I’ll stay in detention all day too.”

And that is where these grown men couldn’t hold back their laughter. They knew the crazy mom was right because they were pretty sure their penises were super heroes too.

Somehow, this old mom kept her game face on as I reprimanded him about drawing inappropriate things. He admitted he drew that because he was pretty sure his art teacher never actually looked at their work. “It was part of a huge collage, ya know, like ‘Where’s Waldo?’ I guess she found him.”

Right or wrong, fair or unfair, I agreed he broke the rules, and for that he should be punished. He served his time.

Bonus photos:

Here’s Lane 1 (infamous Super Happy Penis Drawer) and his friend Addison who lives with us wrestling.

They act like real brothers. And no, he isn’t “ashy” Heather, he and Lane 2 had a fight during their ceramics class. She basically glazed him like a donut. I hope he knows we all love him like he’s a real Lane.

And here is Lane 2 in her, home-made, self-created Halloween costume…

…Super Happy Penis!

Good or bad, sane or insane, I love these kids!

Check back next week to read all about my penisless killer super hero skills.