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Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Glazed And Confused

The latest diet craze has all but killed the doughnut giant Krispy Kreme. Their financials are not looking so hot and some stores may close soon. It took Illinois way too long to get on the Krispy Kreme Kaboose and they better not take it away!

I'd heard such wonderful things about these plain, glazed doughnuts for so long from my friends down south. I was thrilled when they finally came to the big city of Chicago!

I remember my first visit like it was yesterday...

...When I arrived, following a 40 minute drive (yes I drove that far for a doughnut.) there was a line of cars that wrapped around the building like an oversized belt. The building had this wafting deliciousness seeping out of it and I knew I was going to be in love. I could have stood in the parking lot taking in that aroma for hours but I didn't. I needed to know if this was like popcorn or bacon, does it taste as good as it smells while it's cooking? I had to know.

I walked in to see a weaved line of patrons in rows much like at an airport terminal. There were scores of wide-eyed, smiling children lined up watching the doughnuts come off of the conveyer belt. Their little faces were pressed against the glass and their hot breath was steaming up the window. Some of them were wearing paper Krispy Kreme hats as if their future as a doughnut baker was only a wish away.

I was astounded how quickly the line moved. I was mesmerized how many dozen each person bought. Before long it was my turn. My good intentions were there but when I heard the people before me ordering dozen upon dozen, I thought, "Hey, save some water for the fishes!" No wait, that's what I said to the kid at the drinking fountain.

Anyhow, in my mind I thought, "Finally it's my turn, and there are still plenty of fresh doughnuts on the conveyor."

"One glazed please." I said, ever so politely.
"Dozen glazed!" the lady shouted.
"No ma'am, one doughnut, please. Not a dozen."
Loud enough for all to hear, she said, "You just want ONE doughnut suga?"

Immediately, the man behind me laughed. He said, "You ain't been here before have ya? Trust me on this, get a couple dozen."

"But, I, well, what if I? Sorry ma'am. I'd like one dozen please and this Milk Chug."

I was pressured into buying more than my "In moderation" intention, but it was worth it, they were everything I hoped they could be. Until...

...I got in my car to head back home. Facing another 40 minute drive with the divine aroma wafting so strongly through my car, not even my Christmas Tree shaped pine air freshener hanging from my rearview mirror could stop me from trying one.

I convinced myself it was okay to eat and drive. I thought, "If I wait until I get home, they'll be cold and my milk will be warm." With that, I opened the box. I took one out, closed the box, cracked the seal on my milk and took my first bite. In a very What About Bob sort of way, I complimented its tastiness aloud. I took another bite. It just melted in my mouth. I took a swig of my milk and another bite, swig-bite, bite-swig and it was gone. But it happened so quickly! "Oh heck", I thought with a shrug of my shoulders, "What's one more?"

I repeated this process four times. And it really seemed like a good idea at the time.

I was two blocks away from my house before I realized, it wasn't a good idea. The warm dough began rising inside of me and my gut started to swell. I felt like Violet from Willy Wonka, only I wasn't turning violet. I think I was turning green. I unbuttoned my jeans just incase. I thought if they popped on their own the button could break my windshield. Better safe than sorry.

Oh, but I was sorry. Sorry I had been peer pressured into buying more than the one single doughnut I wanted. Sorry I had driven all that way. Sorry I drank all of that Milk Chug. Sorry I had eaten so many doughnuts. Sorry because I knew better!

I don't have any statistical information to back me on this, but I'm willing to bet I am not the only person who has overindulged in Krispy Kremes. I learned my lesson. And now, like everything else, I eat those in moderation.

During my first experience with Krispy Kreme, I did not heed my own warning and for this I paid, oh yes I paid. Does that mean I intend to sue the sweet-warm-melt-in-your-mouth-delicious-giant because of a tummy ache and a potentially doughnut shaped figure I could have achieved as a result of not being able to control myself when faced with their yummy goodness? No.

I wish Krispy Kreme luck with their financial status during the holidays when more and more people vow on New Year's Eve that carbs are the enemy. I would hate to see them close up shop here in Illinois.

So remember it's not carbs people, it's willpower and like a warm-fresh-off-the-conveyor-doughnut, the willpower is in you.