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Friday, January 14, 2005

Me And My Big Fat Mouth

Earlier stories of my younger days and my wrongdoing have shown a less than angelic Lois Lane. Today will be no different. At the ripe old age of five, I displayed a stealth-like ability. Some children may have used this type of power on something less criminal, like sneaking cookies out of the cookie jar just before dinner time. Not me. I was much more big league than cookies.

Entering the Wayback machine. Fire up the engines. Prepare for launch in 3... 2... 1... Liftoff!

In a little town outside of Chicago, there once was a little girl named Lois Lane. For the most part she was sweet, cute and loved by everyone. Until one day she thought it would be a good idea to wander off to the corner store. The corner store was no place for a girl of merely 5 years, however, she was on a mission, she needed chocolate.

While neither parent, nor her seven older siblings were watching, she snuck off to the corner store.

She was so small, she wasn't seen by the store's staff as she crept in. There was no bell on the door to give her away, so, much like a Stealth Bomber, she was in and out and undetected with a Kit Kat Bar in hand.

Her mind raced with the excitement of getting away with "murder" and she could hardly wait to sink her teeth into that chocolate bar.

She looked forward, no one, she looked back, no one... "ah... coast is clear" she thought. She unwrapped her Kit Kat, littering in a landscape bush, and began her indulgence. It may have been the best candy bar ever made, in the history of ever.

Finishing her candy and her trek back home, she wondered if she would be caught coming back from the store. Thankfully for the little girl, no one was anywhere to be found. She sat on her front porch step licking the evidence from her fingertips. It was the perfect crime. No one was hurt and her belly was satisfied.

A few moments later her friend Emily walked by. She was happy to have a friend there to play with but was even happier to have someone to tell about her adventure. The two little girls quietly walked between the two tall apartment buildings in which they resided.

In the "gangway" the little girl told Emily everything that happened. Once she finished sharing her story, her mother called for her, from the kitchen window, where she was doing dishes, which happened to be the window directly above the very spot in which the two little girls were talking.


"Lois! Lois, come upstairs right now!"

The very frightened little girl said good bye to Emily, sure it would be the last time they would see each other.

The little girl headed up the stairs. Her mother was waiting for her. The little girl tried her hardest to smile but her mother asked, "What did you do?"

The little girl was a lot of things, but a liar she wasn't (not yet anyhow). She told her mother everything.

The little girl and her mother went for a walk that evening to the local corner store. The mother pushed the little girl forward in front of the store's owner and said, "Tell this nice man what you did in his store today."

GULP... SWEAT... PANT... CRAP PANTS (kidding).

"Um, mister, (nervously wringing hands) I... a, I mean, I was a, (sweat dripping from brow) I did a... (eyes welling with tears) I DID A BAD THING MISTER."

"Yeah, well whad ya do?" he asked.

Looking up at her mother in hopes she would do the telling, her mother sternly said, "Tell him right now!"

(in a quiet fast whisper) The little girl said, "I took a-a-a-a candy, and I didn't pay for it, and I ate it, and it's gone, and now I'm in big trouble, and I'm real sorry mister."

"Please don't take my daughter to jail sir," her mother said in a condescending voice.

The man looked at the little girl as she stared at her fingers and shoes and said, "Okay lady. I won't send your kid to jail. How 'bout she cleans my store and works off the cost of the candy she stole?"

"That is a wonderful idea, sir," said the little girl's mother. "I'll have her here as soon as she is finished with her kindergarten class in the early afternoon."

Without ever looking back at the man or her mother, the little girl exited the store with a big weight lifted from her little shoulders.

The next day after school, the little girl and her mother walked back to the corner store. The man was waiting for the little girl. Her mother left while the man handed her a big push broom. She was directed to go outside and sweep the sidewalk and return once her task was complete. Heavy as the broom was, the little girl managed to finish the job.

She headed back into the store as directed and was handed a regular broom. "Now you can sweep the isles."

Certain she had worked off the cost of the candy bar, the little girl headed for the exit once she was done sweeping. "Hey, kid, where ya think yer goin'? Here, take this and dust every shelf."

The little girl took the feather duster from the man and dusted the entire stock and all of the shelves.

The full time students were now walking into the store. The little girl saw her big brother and thought, 'Finally, I can go.' but her big brother just looked at her and the feather duster, laughed and exited the store.

Now bawling, the little girl asked the man if she could go home. He said, "Yes but, be back here the same time tomorrow."

Every school day for a month, the little girl did her corner store chores, until the debt was repaid.

The little girl never stole again, never not once again in all of 27 years to follow.

The little girl learned a valuable lesson from her thievery. First of all, she learned to keep her big fat mouth shut. But more importantly, she learned, it is easier to steal 20 cents out of the change jar in the kitchen and pay for a candy bar, rather than stealing it.


(This true story has been brought to you by... the best of my recollection)
Sincerely, Lois Lane (the little girl)