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Friday, July 29, 2005

Musical Fruit

Sunday I am going to my sister Anita's house. She is having a birthday party for my niece. Family gatherings always end with a stack of mental material for me, so I can hardly wait.

The only thing that bums me out about the upcoming festivities is that Anita asked me to make baked beans to go with the dinner she is making. I guess she has grand Dutch oven plans with her old man Sunday night.

Grabbing a can of beans at the grocery store is just not acceptable. Anita likes the homemade variety. She can be a real pain in the ass.

I've told her a hundred times how to make them, but Anita simply whined and said, "Come on Lois, please?! Don't you love your big sister? Don't you want to make your niece's birthday special?"

"Yeah because there's nothing like the gift of gas from your favorite aunt."

I wish we were still living in simpler times when Anita liked, what she called "Bed Dub Dub and Who Who", which was just bread, milk and sugar in a bowl eaten like cereal. It was just another "poor family" concoction our mom fed to us.

I just know bringing weird dishes to family outings is going to leave a mark. You know how when you were a kid and went to a family function, you had an aunt who always made something? A dish to pass, if you will.

She was the crazy aunt who could make a Jell-O mold in every color and shape, that usually matched the occasion of the family gathering. Or maybe she was the kooky, yet creative aunt who could make Spam patties with her Christmas cookie cutters. You and all of your cousins sat around talking about her and her weird food items. That's going to be me if this shit keeps up.

"Hey guys, look, there's Auntie Lois. She has a new burn on her face. She must have made spaghetti."

"Well, her arm hair is singed off, maybe she made macaroni again."

"Auntie Lois is such a gas! I bet she made beans again."

The last thing I need are my nieces and nephews making a mockery out of me and my cooking.

Wish me a fire-free baked bean blowing bonanza.

For those of you who asked in yesterday's comments, the crazy opossum lady said she would keep me abreast of the babies' condition.

Have a great weekend everyone!