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Wednesday, August 24, 2005

High-tech Redneck?

David and Vince called me on the carpet. (See comments in post below) Fine. The truth is, Mr. Lane is a wannabe redneck. I didn't want to tarnish his image. He doesn't own a gun. There, I said it. He just has a pickup truck. Just because it's a diesel and a dually, does not give me the right to go around calling him a true redneck. I hang my head in shame for telling you fine people lies about my old man.

He makes a living from being a truck driver and was also a farmer but those things barely count as official redneck requirements. He uses a CB to communicate with his pals on the road, but has also been seen using a cellular phone. Just for the record, he was shouting "Git 'er done!" before the Blue Collar Comedy ever coined the phrase.

He never drinks beer out of a can, and never uses a koozie to keep his beer bottle cold. Speaking of beer, he hardly even drinks that stuff. He does like sweet tea, which I do believe is a redneck requirement.

Mr. Lane has never been in prison or the county jail, never been divorced, never been drunk and caught in bed with any of my sisters. He has, however been caught with Mama. He has all of his original teeth, and actually keeps his six month appointments with the dentist.

The saddest truth of all, he despises NASCAR. He likes riding dirt bikes but isn't exactly a fan of motocross either. His ride-on lawn mower, isn't even a John Deere. It's a Cub Cadet. He still shops at Farm and Fleet, but has also been seen buying his clothes at JC Penny.

He likes country music but has been caught tapping his toe to rock and pop music. When we were younger, he liked Spamburger hamburgers and corndogs, today however, I think he would rather starve than eat either.

He used to go fishing every weekend, but not so much for the quality bass time. He went to enjoy the water and to get away from me. We've never gone to a rodeo, but have walked along Rodeo Drive. He's rode horses on many a beach with me but that hardly makes him a cowboy. He doesn't even own a ten gallon hat or cowboy boots. He does call his baseball hat a "ball cap."

And yes, gentlemen, the saddest truth of all, the only gun he owns is a paintball gun. So there, I hope you are happy that I've finally told the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me blog.

It's a busy life here at the Lane Estate. In the last couple of weeks, I've neglected sharing all sorts of stuff. Do you ever have so much stuff going on that you just don't have time to sit down and write? Before another one of my wonderful readers gives me more shit, here's your choices for a post coming soon to a blog near you.

1. Corky comes to town
2. Death of summer
3. Vacation madness never ends
4. Rabid redneck town
5. Ricky's cousin Rocky
6. Hot men, and my friend Katey
7. GI Joe, and my friend Katey (photographic evidence)
8. Summer fun (movie)
9. Not so Regal Beagle
10. Barbie head Lois