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Wednesday, August 17, 2005

There's Something Women Like About A Pickup Man

With our children and my mother hyped up on sugar, we arrived at the Grand Bear Lodge. Lane 1 started speaking erratic nonsense. My mother looked at me as if to say, "What the hell is wrong with your kid?"

Without saying a word, I gave her my look for, "You're the one who loaded him up on Twizzlers! What do you think is wrong with him?"

Doing his very best to try to annoy his grandmother, and picking up on our wordless conversation, Lane 1 sang, "Who do you blame when your kid is a brat? The musha untz ze fasha."

With a biff to the head, I said, "Nice Dutch accent son. Now, leave Granny alone."

The lady at the registration desk said we would be staying in villa Q1. They were set up like town houses. Each were two-stories with room enough for ten people to sleep comfortably. The property there is pretty big. Being sent to Q1 meant we would be pretty far from the main lodge, where all of the activities are. That part didn't sink in until we noticed how long the drive was from check-in to the villa.

On the way Mr. Lane was speaking in a most proper way. "Ladies, children, I will be your driver. I hope you find your villa as delightful as I find each and everyone of you. You shall find all of the comforts of home here in the villa at your disposal."

He rattled off amenities as if he were secretly working there. He pointed out the outdoor bar and grill, the miniature golf and ponds along the way. The kids sat high in their seats taking everything in, smiling all the way. My mother still had that excited twinkle in her eyes. Maybe she still had to pee, I can't be sure, but I think she also liked the look of the place.

"Driver, how much longer until we arrive? It seems to me that we are being put in the farthest villa away. "

"Yes ma'am. We wouldn't want to mix you among the commoners."

"I thought perhaps the desk clerk spotted my mother's bloomers in the back and found us disgraceful. Very well. Carry on."

"Yes Lois, that's what happened. They saw the rednecks coming with my fine suitcases and put us as far away from the others as possible."

"Now that sounds more like it."

We pulled up to the log cabin style townhouse, parking next to a Lamborghini Diablo VT 6.0. Lane 1 had drool pouring from his chin. A quick check of the other cars surrounding us revealed, a BMW and a Lexus. We piled out of the pickup truck looking ever so redneck. We stood in front of the villa staring the way Dorothy, the Scarecrow, the Tinman, the Cowardly Lion and Toto stood at the gates of Oz. All of us giggling, we practically skipped into the villa.

"Your villa awaits, my ladies," Mr. Lane said while holding the door for us. He was on a roll with his role playing. All he needed was a little butler uniform and I so would have taken him right there in the doorway.

There are three days of vacation fun left to write about. I'm going to copy Cooter Ang and let you choose what comes next. I can go in order as the madness ensued or you can choose from the following...

A) Bobby Boucher
B) Red, Red Wine
C) Romancing the Bone