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Friday, October 28, 2005

I'm On Top Of The World, Looking Down On Creation...

You were singing that headline weren't you? Haha! Me too!

Thanks to those of you who voted fairly for Home Fires at the Whozontop site. I'm going with my gut, removing the voting poll. It seems that someone in the UK, Japan, Canada, Italy, Slovenia, France and the Philippines want their sites to be on top. They have been coming over to Home Fires, voting the site down and voting themselves up. I don't have time for games. This blog is for fun not fighting. If you are one of those people, I'm sorry you didn't want to play fair. My repeat readers and my other stats show me, I'm on top, enough. So there you go, you win. You are officially on top.

Now, for today's real post:

Dragged to the mall, against my will, last weekend by my daughter, I did a little people watching. My little girl is growing like a weed. I've taken her to all of the non-mall stores you can think of, and have yet to find anything that fits her beanpole body shape.

Mall stores carry weird heroine model sized clothing. Not that my daughter is one of them, but, at the age of 10, her height 5'6" and her waist not quite 20", she sure could be one.

As she dragged me store-to-store, I was amazed how crowded the mall was. It's not even the day after Thanksgiving. Most of the people there are the kind I would avoid, like the PTA president for instance.

Just as I was about to give up hope of seeing anyone interesting, in my people watching venture, I spotted him from a distance. A handsome young face. Nearly zit free. A little young for me. "16 will get ya 20 Lo," said the voices in my head. Just kidding that would be fucking sick. The real reason this young man caught my eye was because he was wearing a scrolling belt buckle. Bright red text was zooming across his waistband. I really wanted to know what it said. But I also had no intentions of looking that closely to a young man's netheregion.

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My imagination went wild, thinking of what a young man might put on a scrolling belt buckle.

"Eat @ Moe's"

"Only Hungry People Look"

"Beef, It's What's For Dinner"

"Kiss Me I'm Irish Horny"

"Take A Seat And We'll Talk About The First Thing To Pop Up"

"Here's A Popup Ad You Won't Mind"

"Dick! The Other White Meat."

"Tastes Great. Less Filling."

I heard brakes squeal in my head as if a head-on collision was about to take place. "Lois, get your head out of the gutter, ya pig! This is a young boy. He wouldn't have such disgusting statements running across his waistline. Shame on you."

Still, not wanting to look that closely to the boys lower half, I approached him. I casually wrapped my arm around him and said, "An old lady like me looking at your crotch to see what your belt says would be very wrong. So, would you mind telling me what it says?"

His friends were laughing, he was blushing. "It has my name on there."

"Why? Do you forget who you are sometimes?"

"Haha. Um... no. I just couldn't think of something funny to program it to say."

I shared a couple of my ideas with him as his friends scrambled for a pen. It took me about 20 minutes to realize I had just set a really bad example for a 16-year-old boy and his three buddies, who incidentally ran to borrow a pen and paper to write down some of those gems.

I would like to publicly apologize to the parents of the boy, right here and now for being a bad influence. This can be added to the laundry list of reasons, why Lois should not be in the mall.

It's your turn. If you had a scrolling belt buckle, what would yours say?