Trick Or Treat

The great Halloween debate was underway here at the Lane Estate. Lane 1 informed me that he is too old to go trick-or-treating with his mom.

"Dude! I'm 13!"

"I know. I was there."

"Please, just let me go with my friends."

"Sorry bud."

"Why?"

"Because I know what 13-year-olds are capable of on Halloween. It brings out the bad and destructive side."

"What do you think I'm going to do?"

"I think, if you could go, you would TP some houses, have shaving cream wars and throw eggs at people." That boy looked at me in amazement. "Son, I know you hate to think of this, but I was 13 once. Shocking, huh?"

He was working on his next plan in his head while I was thinking back to those years of messy, wonderful fun. Is depriving him from those memories the worst thing I can do as a parent? Then a beautiful idea popped into my head.

"Since you think you are too old to go trick-or-treating with your mom and little sister, you can stay home and pass candy out to all of the kids who come to our house."

"Awww man! Dude, that's so gay."

"Gay? As in it has sex with someone of the same?"

"Come on Ma! You know what I mean. This stinks!"

"Think about it son. You dressed up like the scary guy we put outside every year. You're slouched in the seat, bowl in front of you, some kid reaches for a treat and, POW! You scare the crap out of 'em."

"Dude! That would be sweet!"

"So, is it a deal then?"

"Yeah! That'll be so cool!"

Every year for as long as we've lived out here in the middle of nowhere, I have used a pair of old jeans, some old work boots, a flannel shirt, an ugly monster mask, all stuffed with newspapers, sitting in an antique school desk. I prop it up on the front lawn. I put fake blood dripping off of a yard stick and off of the neck, chest and arm. I set a huge bowl of candy outside on the desk. I have a rubber hand that holds a sign, which says in fake blood, "ONLY TAKE ONE OR YOU'LL END UP LIKE ME!"

The formerly angry child was now lit up like a jack o'lantern with excitement.

"I can't wait until Brett and Tyler come by. I am going to scare the crap out of them!"

Lane 2 was feeling left out and said, "Mom. We need to come up with a costume for me. I was thinking about being a lot lizard."

There was no way I heard what I thought I heard from my sweet little girl. It was bad enough that she knew the term and its meaning. "Haha. I'm sorry. I thought you said 'lot lizard' classic."

Straight faced, she said, "I did."

I grabbed the telephone to call her father. It was his fault the child knew what a lot lizard was. Without a 'hello' or anything, I said, "You need to talk to your daughter." I handed her the phone.

"Hi Daddy. I just freaked Mom out. You should have seen her face!"

For all of the tricking I've put these kids through, this is now my treat. Paybacks are a bitch!


(Edited to add, "Lot Lizard" is a roadside hooker who "entertains" truck drivers in parking lots.)