Harder Than a Coffin Nail

Mr. Lane finally came home this morning. He's been gone for weeks. The kids and I were giddy to see him. We did our morning rush around, while trying to catch up on lost time. After shoving breakfast down their throats, we were off to start the day. Leaving him standing at the door, after seeing him walk in moments before, was tough, but we will have all weekend. I reassured the kids their pop would be home after school, and we left.

Cruising down the road, late, trying not to speed, trying to drink my coffee, and win a fight for my radio station with Lane 1, I heard from my backseat, "Mommy, Daddy gave me the coolest show-and-tell thing ever!"

As I went to sip my coffee, I said, "That's nice honey. What did he give you?" I took a drink.

"His toenail."

Coffee flew out of my mouth and nose and onto my steering wheel and dashboard. I was choking and my children were laughing. They are so lucky I love the shit out of them.

"You're kidding me right?" I mustered, while wiping my nose on my sweater sleeve.

"Nope. And haha, it is a big nasty one!"

"Jesus Christ, why? Just why?"

"Why what Mommy?"

"Why in the name of all that is holy would you want your father's toenail? Why on earth would you bring it to school? Good gravy child, what is wrong with you and your father?"

She was giggling too much to answer my questions. I dialed Mr. Lane on my cell phone. "Are you freakin' nuts?"

"Hi to you to babe. What? What'd I do?"

"You gave our daughter a nasty toenail to take to show-and-tell!"

"So! You let her take her bloody tooth!"

"Oh, my God! Her teacher is going to kill us. She is not taking your disgusting toenail to show-and-tell. Not now, not ever. You nasty man!"

"Oh sure! I see how it is. You can send her with nasty things but I can't. That's real nice Lois. Taking away my parental rights is just wrong."

"No parent in their right mind sends a child to school with a toenail. Ever."

"She saw me picking it off and was excited about how big it was. I just laughed and offered it to her. I didn't know she was going to turn it into a show-and-tell thing. Really. I swear."

"Well now I have to be the bad guy again and tell her no. I hate when you do stupid crap like this and it lands on me."

"Give her the phone and I'll be the bad guy."

Chipper as one toenail toting 10-year-old can be, she answered, "Hello Daddy. But... well... but... Daddy. Fine Dad. Whatever! You and Mom aren't any fun. At. All."

Hopefully we didn't ruin her day too badly. Awe, who cares? We aren't any fun anyway. Right?

Tales from the book sale coming soon to a blog near you. Have a great weekend!