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Tuesday, October 18, 2005

What's Love Got To Do With It

Melissa Etheridge used medicinal marijuana while undergoing treatment for breast cancer. Can I ask, why is this a headline? If I wrote the story, my headline would have said, "Etheridge Cancer-free." That's the real news. Some reporters/editors really piss me off.

The fact that she smoked some pot to combat the side effects of chemotherapy, isn't news people. A lot of cancer patients are being treated by their doctors the same way.

My mother in-law, Amanda also smoked pot prescribed by her doctor in her final weeks of life. And you know what? When she was laying on her deathbed, too weak to smoke it, I smoked it for her. Now there's some news you can use. I'm going to pull a Clinton and say "But I didn't inhale." Not all of the time anyhow.

You see, she was just too weak. She could barely inhale. Her symptoms were completely out of control. During our late nights, I would light up, take a hit and blow it right into her mouth. She would inhale and within minutes, she would feel better.

I'm not going to go all happy on pot and say it should be legalized or go into the war on drugs here. I do want to say, I saw with my own eyes how marijuana calmed Amanda, lessened her panic attacks, increased her appetite, keeping her from wasting away and eased a lot of her pain.

So I say, Viva la blunt and viva la Etheridge!

"Mom? Can you come in here a minute?"

Walking toward my 13-year-old son, in the bathroom, I said, "Why? What do you need?"

"I want you to help me with this."

Now in the bathroom, I see my son. His face is inches away from the mirror.

"See that?" He asks.

"Your eyebrows?"

"Yeah. Will you wax them for me?"

"You're kidding right?"

"No Ma. I'm not. Look at them."

"You mean look at it?"

"Very funny. That's what I mean. My eyebrows have become one."

"They call that a unibrow, son."

"Yeah, I know. So can you wax it for me?"

"You're too young for all of that crap. Just leave your eyebrows alone."

"You don't understand. They have already joined forces. Next they'll be taking over the world. And it'll be all your fault. How will you live with yourself Mother?"

Just think, my son could have been the star of the next big Fox special, "When Eyebrows Attack."

One puts the wax on the kid. One laughs when ripping wax off the kid. One saves the world from the attack of the killer unibrow.

Last night I caught Lane 1 watching TV when he was supposed to be sleeping.

"Mom come on! I promise I'll get up with no trouble in the morning. Please?" I turned the TV off despite his protest, and he said, "How am I going to learn how to be a great detective and become rich enough to pay for your nursing home?"