Image hosted by

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Danger Will Robinson! Danger!

World Against Toys Causing Harm (W.A.T.C.H.) published its annual dangerous toy list. The top 10 most dangerous list is topped by Baby Serena. Sure she looks harmless in her pink layette but she comes with magic bottles that "possess an unacceptable risk of choking for oral age children."

Others on the list include, Camouflage Water Bomb Fun Kit, Splatmatic Pistol Splat Paintball Shooter, Animal Alley Ponies, City Blocks, Lord of the Rings Crossbow, Air Kicks Kickaroos Anti Gravity Boots, Fisher Price Little Mommy Bath Baby Doll, Fantastic 4 Electronic Thing Hands and Star Wars Revenge of the Sith Energy Beam Blaster.

So that brings me to my childhood and the toys I played with. I wonder if it's too late to sue those companies that produced toys that caused harm to me in my youth.

Remember slime in a can? Yeah, well, I got that stuff every single year in my stocking, and every single year it caused me great harm. One of those incidents that is fresh in my mind is the year my brothers Mark and Jimmy played monkey in the middle with me and my slime. I was the monkey who didn't catch the slime as it plummeted to the golden shag carpet below, causing me a beating of a lifetime.

Then there was the Slinky. I can't believe they still make those after all of the pain I endured. My sister Angie used to wrap those tightly around my neck as soon as I accidentally got hers tangled. I don't remember any warning on that packaging.

There is no way, no matter how many years of therapy I undergo that I will forget the pain of being bludgeoned with an Etch-A-Sketch. I bet you never knew how dangerous those could be. Did you know that the pen on the string can be used to poke deeply into unsuspecting nostrils? And the string that attaches it can be just as dangerous if used as handcuffs to tie up a sweet little girl.

Stretch Armstrong would have topped the list had the list been invented in 1979. That was the year I was not only strangled by his stretchy limbs but I also ingested some of the sticky gel that oozed from his crotch area. Sure my injuries were sustained at the hands of my siblings. But we all know how the saying goes, "Stretch Armstrong ooze doesn't kill people. People kill people."

It was the Snuggle Dolls I loved so much that caused me to be a pervert. I'm sure there are some anti pervert toy laws yet to be invented that I could tap into. Those dolls had a string coming out of their backsides and when you pulled it, their little bodies would make a snuggly, humpy motion. Of course, I laid them on top of one another and watched them go to town. Sounds like a lawsuit waiting to happen, doesn't it?

Maybe together we can be part of a class-action suit. We could win lots and lots of money! Or, we could write a book like the founder of W.A.T.C.H. did. Sure his books, Toys That Don't Care and Toys That Kill never made the best seller list, but people actually did buy them and the former lawyer has made boo coo beaucoup* bucks off of other's pain. Let's do this. Share some of your toy dangers in the comments or on your blog. Just think guys, when this is over, we can own the North Pole!

* Edited for David the big baby head!