Image hosted by

Monday, April 10, 2006

Smells Like Teen Spirit

My sister Angie is about the only family member who should read today's post, in-laws included. Although, it may cause her to throw up a little, she is the most open when it comes to talking about sex. That's right, I said sex.

Mom if you are still reading, don't you dare call me and tell me how grossed out you are. It's like that scene in The Hollywood Knights (one of my all time favorite movies) where the overweight, asthmatic, tuba player calls his mother to say he is not coming home because he is going to get laid, but she thinks he is saying late. After he spells it out over the phone to her, "Laid mother, l-a-i-d," she faints. Something I could see my own mother doing. Anyhow, all y'all been warned.

Skipping many of our early days to bring you to the present, I thought I would share with you something that happened the other night when my in-laws went to stay with my sister in-law for the night.

I guess in a way Mr. Lane and I have come full circle. That night, both of the kids had sleepovers down the street and we were alone for the first time in years.

He looked at me so seriously and said, "Lo, remember when we finally got our bed delivered to that apartment on Harlem?..."

Just the words flashed my mind back in time. We waited so long, saving up for that black leather California King waterbed. We'd spent months sleeping on the raunchy carpet in our first apartment in Chicago. After some acrobatic, wild sex, we crashed hard in that bed. Amazing how two young people can appreciate something so much. It was after all, just a bed, but we couldn't have been happier.

After a really good night's sleep I stripped the bed to wash the sheets and I got an idea that I thought was pretty cool. Mr. Lane wasn't interested in my thoughts because he said "It'd be too messy."

"...If I would have known back then that we would have so little time alone, together now, I would have agreed to that messy sex," he said.

"It's almost too quiet here isn't it?"

"Yeah. I'm going to run up to the video store. Anything specific you want to see?"

"Not really."

"We are going to suck at being empty nesters," he said smiling at me.

When that man left I got nostalgic. I thought even though we don't have a waterbed anymore, I could still simulate what I wanted to do all of those years ago that he was now regretting we hadn't done. In a small way, I wanted him to know that we could be good empty nesters, one day.

I stripped the sheets off of the bed and put a painting tarp on it and poured sesame seed oil all over the plastic. A perverted slip 'n slide, if you will.

When he came back from the video store and found me and "the mess" that old man of mine couldn't smile any bigger and couldn't strip fast enough.

I would like to be able to tell you it was the best sex we have ever had, but this is real life people. I'm sure if we were younger, it may have been different. Because we are older now, neither of us are as limber. In fact, at one point, Mr. Lane couldn't keep his knees from sliding out from under him and he fell "splat" right on me like a retarded starfish.

You ever see a newborn foal try to walk and it's legs go out from under it? That is what he looked like. I'm not sure sex is supposed to make you laugh uncontrollably, but we certainly were.

Slathered up like two greased pigs, we tried every angle possible, which included both of us nearly falling out of bed a couple of times. It was slick but we managed. It's not like it was mission impossible but it was definitely difficult sex at this stage of our lives.

I rolled the tarp up and threw it away. Mr. Lane was surprised how easily the mess was cleaned up, and said he regretted not agreeing to my idea earlier. We hobbled our achy old asses into the shower, and he washed my hair for me like he always used to, my nirvana.

With the kids being 13 and 11, it's a little soon to think about having an empty nest, but after that night, I think we agreed it will be interesting.

Admittedly sucking up, Mark wins the grand prize for his haiku entry, "With arms folded she looks at the world defiant, dares us not to laugh." Congratulations! Thanks to those who entered and voted.

Jamie Dawn gets an honorable mention because I didn't copy and paste her entire haiku. Sorry, I suck.

The last contest at Home Fires was won by Todd by being the 30,000th hit. Todd now goes by the name of 30K Todd. He was sent a Chicago White Sox World Series Championship baseball cap.

Now I need to figure out what to send Mark. If you have any ideas, within reason, of course, please leave them in the comments. In the meantime, Mark, send me your mailing address.