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Friday, February 23, 2007

You Better Think

There is no turning back. I have avoided blogging because Blogger said I had to switch to their new version if I ever wanted to see my blog alive again. I held out, waiting and hoping that they would realize the new version of Blogger blows spider monkeys. It just wasn’t meant to be. So here I are. And here are the blog.

Who knows what it may look like once I agreed to all of the terms and conditions that I didn’t read. The whole experience was very much like Rumpelstiltskin. You remember that little fucker? I hated him. Seems spell check hates him too, either that or I spelled it wrong. Who cares? I hate him no matter how his name is spelled. And I hate Blogger and New Blogger and the people who run this free service I have grown to trust and count on. Fuckers they all are!

A-hem, hi guys! How are you? Where have I been? Well, it’s sort of a long boring story, so I’ll skip all that and get on with the reason I and you are here today. It’s all about armpits people. I’ve seen a few commercials lately that really annoy the shit out of me. I can’t help but wonder, are we really that stupid or are the deodorant mongrels talking down to us?

First off, I have no little black dress. Secondly, if I did, there is no way shape or form that I, Lois Lane could, would, or should do back flips while waiting for my B-O-Control to dry before putting on said fictitious black dress. No way!

If you are too stupid to lift the waistline of your shirt after it’s on and shove that deodorant up there to the pits of your arms, you should maybe not watch so much TV. If you haven’t figured out that you can put your shirt on first and then the deodorant and then fasten the buttons, again, stop watching TV and get some practice.

A real woman knows how to dress and keep streaks of white from staining her shirt. A real woman is not going to be fooled into buying a product with another woman flipping around like a moron in her bra and skivvies.

A real woman is sitting there watching reality TV (since that’s all that is on anymore) eating a pint (or half gallon) of Häagen-Dazs or Ben and Jerry’s, shaking her head while watching the skinny bitch (who obviously never had children) flip flop around.

And you know what that real woman is thinking? Oh, yes, I’m gonna tell you. She is thinking, “If they made a commercial that talked about bra bits and boob crumbs, I’d buy that shit.”

Guys, I will help you understand because I am all about helping. Bra bits or boob crumbs are the flaky morsels that somehow always find their way into a woman’s bra at the end of the day and are caused by deodorant. You may have had some of them in your mouth at some point in your life.

So if you are out their deodorant makers, get on the ball with what is important. Not the little black dress. Not the back flips. Not the skinny skank-ho we all hate. I’m talking about boob crumbs.