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Friday, January 19, 2007

She’s Still Preoccupied With 1985

It’s true, I am lost in the 80s. Seems it’s been weeks since I’ve listened to any other genre of music. I go through phases, I guess, but this one is driving my kids batty. They have dubbed the title “1985” my theme song. And they couldn’t be more correct. I love that song.

The Bowling for Soup “1985” lyrics are, with tiny bit of my own twist:

Lois just hit the wall

She never had it all

One pot of coffee a day (okay two, shutup)

Husbands a P.I.T.A. (pain in the ass)

Her dreams went out the door

When she turned twenty four

Only been with one man (unless we mention the Italian, ahhh… a-hem)

What happen to her plan?

She was gonna be a writer

She was gonna be a star

She was gonna shake her ass

On the hood of White Snake's car

Her red 300M, is now like a mini-van

Looks at her average life

And nothing, has been, alright

Since Bruce Springstein, Madonna

Way before Nirvana

There was U2, and Blondie

And music still on MTV

Her two kids, in high school

They tell her that she's uncool

But she still preoccupied

With 19, 19, 1985




She's seen all the classics

She knows every line

Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink

Even Saint Elmo's Fire (Angie and I used to recite the entire script of these)

She rocked out to Wham

Not a big Limp Biscuit fan (maybe because I married a limp… never mind)

Thought she'd get a hand

On a member of Duran Duran (actually my sister Angie was hot for the double D guys, it was Lars Ulrich of Metallica who really pumped my nads)

Where's the mini-skirt made of snake skin

And who's the other guy singing in Van Halen

When did reality, become T.V.

What ever happen to sitcoms, game shows

On the radio was


She hates time, make it stop

When did Motley Crue become classic rock? (talk about making me feel older than dirt!)

And when did Ozzy become an actor? (no, seriously, WTF was up with that?)

Please make this stop!



And bring back

(Chorus twice)

So you can see the song fits me well. This is the part about aging that blows. You listen to the music that you grew up with and feel vibrant and young, until some rotten little brat-faced kid comes along and bursts your bubble. Stupid kids.

The obsession isn’t just the 80s this week, it’s Arena Rock! Can you feel the excitement in my typing, people?! Arena Rock is what gave the 80s big hair and ozone killing hairspray! There was Whitesnake, White Lion, Van Halen, Van Morrison, Sammy Hagar, Samantha Fox, Metallica, Megadeath, oh God, someone stop me! I feel like putting on a mini skirt and going to a concert armed with a lighter. Speaking of which, how is it that we didn’t all combust with all the hairspray while lighting our lighters at those concerts?

So yesterday as I was all kinds of rockeriffic and the kids were giving me shit, I said something that almost made me cool. Almost.

“The Tonight Show is going to start airing the correspondent audition tapes tonight.”

“Dude, Ma! Are you going to be on?”

“I don’t know yet.”

“That would be so cool!”

“Can we stay up and watch it?”

Oh, now it was all making sense. My limited offer on being cool was a ploy to stay up late. These kids aren’t stupid after all. They’ve got my number. So I said, no. Suddenly that hint of cool oozed away from my grip.

The first thing they asked when they woke up, “Were you on TV last night?” They both had a hint of excitement in their voices and a twinkle in their eyes. It was almost as if my potential coolness was making a comeback. Dude, the band’s getting back together!

“No I wasn’t on,” I said as I washed down a cup of coffee with some “poison running through my veins” because Alice Cooper was rocking my little music channel. They both gave me that uncool look again and headed off to get ready for school.

I have no idea when or if the tape will air, but I know one thing for sure. I am going to milk moments of coolness from both of them every single day for as long as possible.

The one thing I didn’t tell the kids is that they are airing the worst of the audition tapes tonight. If mine airs, I’m never going to live it down and I shall remain uncool for eternity. Someone get me a can of Aquanet to put on standby.