These Dreams Go On When I Close My Eyes

Jay Leno lied to me. Okay, so maybe he wasn’t speaking directly to me, but he did say he would be airing “the worst” of the correspondent audition tapes on Friday. So Friday night finally came. The Lane Gang sat in front of the TV hoping the audition tape I sent would not be shown. I mean really, who wants to be one of the worst?!

As the segment “Who Wants to Be a Correspondent?” began, Jay mentioned they were showing their “favorites”. Favorites? Hey! After the Lanes prayed, wished, hoped and crossed our fingers white-knuckled, for me to not be on Friday, we had to quick repray, rewish, rehope and, well, I wasn’t on.

Best or worst, my tape didn’t make the cut. That can only mean one thing, it was average, blended in with too many, didn’t stand out, i.e. boring. But the good news is, for a couple of hours, I got the cool mom treatment from the troops again.

Bad news soon followed. Jay said they received thousands of tapes and proceeded to request more audition tapes from the viewing public. To me, that means, the Tonight Show isn’t really looking for another correspondent. I think they are just going to use the audition tapes as their own segment. There could be good news in that my tape may be on. One day. And no, I’m not going to ask you to watch it every night incase that one day does come.

On the Tonight Show website, there is a place to watch and vote for your favorite video. So far, they have only posted videos that have appeared on TV, meaning mine isn’t on their site either, but could be. One day.

I really wasn’t into this initially because as most of you know, I want a writing job. I am a behind the scenes kind of a girl. I agreed to send in a tape in hopes of my foot finding its way into a big fat writing door. But now I am kind of into it. Our family gathered around the TV, like we do when American Idol and Super Nanny are on. We had our junk food, drinks and our opinions ready to flow. If nothing else, we snuck in some extra quality TV time as a family.

What began as a handful of friends egging me on to send in a tape, turned into my whole family anxiously watching and me kind of hoping it would air. When it was over the kids gave me a sympathetic look and said maybe they are holding out the best for last.

I guess that means they think I am pretty cool, in a demented and sad, yet social kind of a way. (See Breakfast Club for that reference.)

So Friday night I was trying to go to sleep, but my brain wouldn’t turn off. All I could think about was that stupid tape, and stupid turkey nuts. “I can’t believe I fucking ate a turkey testicle, on purpose. All for the sake of comedy. I must have a screw loose.”

Finally my pillow invited me into a deep and drooly slumber. But my mind, oh my stupid mind, continued to think like a loud clock ticking and tocking. First I dreamt of normal stuff. You know that dreamy dream where you aren’t really sure you are sleeping? So there in my mind, everyday life was taking place and one of the kids yelled, “Mom hurry! The Tonight Show is on!”

In my sleep, I got out of bed and quickly headed to the TV room. The sound and feel was real and my tired body didn’t know it was only a dream. The kids had their friends over and everyone was watching TV… and spilling popcorn on my new carpet?!?!? But I couldn’t get mad about that because the show was starting, and my mom was there?

Jay Leno gave his monologue and began the “Who Wants to be a Correspondent?” segment and all voices hushed each other. The first audition was mine. The whole room erupted in excitement. My heart sank and I felt like I was going to puke.

Rather than showing the best part of my tape, or showing my tape the way I sent it, they had edited it, terribly. All they showed was the part where I ate the turkey nut and then played with my audio, making me say, “I, I, I, I” like Ozzy in Crazy Train. And then the audio went into a rap where I said, “Ate a nut, ate, ate, ate, ate a n…n…n…nut.”

Oh my god you guys! It was a fucking nightmare. I woke up all sweaty and mad. And what the hell was I doing out of my bed?!?! I really had gone into the TV room to watch. Crazy Train, indeed. All aboard!

Yes. And then I laughed at myself for being a dork, thankyouverymuch.