Dear Blogger Buds,
Today I need to get some stuff off of my chest. I may be flat when I am done but that’s okay. Some things are more important than boobies. The following are letters I’ve yet to send. Please feel free to write a letter in the comments, should something be weighing you down.
I know I’ve gotten pretty tan this summer. I’m even a little thinner than normal. However, I am not one of Sally Struthers’s little third world country babies. So would you kindly stop flying directly into my eyeballs?
Thank you in advance for your cooperation, Lois Lane
Dear Little Giggling Girl in the Public Restroom,
I know farts are really funny. Just saying the word fart makes me smile. Bathrooms are where most people set farts free. When I was your age, I too used to laugh at the oh-so-familiar sound of a tooter in the stall next to me. Now that I am my age, I am the one tooting in the stall next to you. When you are my age, you’ll understand.
Sincerely, Lois Lane
Dear Lady Who Had to Work Late… Again,
I’m sorry that “Lousy, good for nothing, piece of shit” didn’t come to work today. I’m also sorry that you had to “Cover for her big, fat, stupid welfare ass, again.” Now, I don’t mind being your Express Lane Therapist, but I really wish you wouldn’t take your anger out on my Wonder Bread. It had nothing to do with it. Because of your obvious anger, I was afraid to ask for a replacement loaf. This time, my family and I will eat our lopsided, triangular toast in silence. Let’s just hope there isn’t a next time, em-kay?
Thanks for not killing me, Dr. Lois Express Lane
Dear Downy Ball,
You still mystify me. When I first met you, I really looked you over good. I never saw any bells or whistles, just your blue rubber cork and ring. I always wondered what made you tic. You always know the right time to open yourself up, and I just love that about you. Sure I get mad when I pull your ring too hard and your cork goes flying out and lands behind the washer, getting covered in dryer lint. The bad words fall out of my mouth, I know. But that’s just because I am angry. Angry at myself… for mishandling you. Just know that for all of these years that we have been together, I’ve always loved you and your magical ways, even if I sometimes yell and swear in your general direction.
With all my love, Lois Downy Fresh Lane
Dear Car Door,
Why? Seriously, why? What have I ever done to you? Besides those few times I’ve kicked you closed when my arms were full. I’ve always made up for that by forcing Mr. Lane to give you a nice wash and wax. I’m sure the deaf 90 year old lady walking her Pomeranian by my house that day was thrilled to finally hear again. I just doubt she wanted to hear me say every bad word I know when you smashed my thumb for no good reason, you fuck. Fuck you Car Door. Fuck you!
I’m not even signing my name to this letter, you know damn good and well who this is from! Fucker!
Dear Mini Blinds in the Kitchen,
I’m sorry I pulled your string so hard the other day. But when I saw that fly laying so comfortably, rubbing his legs together on your slats, and there wasn’t a flyswatter within my reach, I just over reacted. I knew pulling fast would cause all of your slats to gather tightly together, crushing the little pest. For a moment, I thought how ingenious I was to think and move as quickly and stealth-like as I did. After all, that fly was likely making plans with my eyeballs. However, I should have never crushed that fly and all of his gooey guts upon you. I promise it won’t happen again. And yes, I will try harder to get the rest of his guts off of you just as soon as possible.
Thanks for understanding, Lo
I realize I have not been the best daughter in the world, but is in necessary for you to continue this form of torture? I think not! So stop sending me links to addicting games. They are after all, the only reason I haven’t by to your house since Mother’s Day. Yes, you have yourself to thank for that!
Signed, Addicted Daughter