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Monday, July 09, 2007

Tick Tock Ya Don't Stop

We are in Missouri at Lake of the Ozarks. Vacation? Well, not really. Remember last month when my in-laws came for a visit, and we tricked them into helping us build a porch? Turnabout is fair play. We are here helping them build a deck. We’ve also been cutting down some trees and doing other odds and ends.

The other morning, I woke up to the sound of Mr. Lane saying, “Lo. Lois? Honey, wake up. Lois, I need you to get up and help me.”

Those are the words that caused my eyes to pop open. He sounded very serious. “What?”

“I have a tick and I need you to get it off of me.”

“You woke me because of a tick?”


I rolled over and pulled the blanket over my head.

“Lois, please get up... It’s on my dick.”

I have never woke up laughing so hard in all of my life! I couldn’t muster any other words besides, “Are you kidding?” (Who would even kid about something like that?)

“I swear to God. I swear on my life. I swear on your life. I swear on my mother’s grave.”

By then my laughter was out of control. “Get my camera. I am so blogging about this!”

“You’re not taking a picture of my dick to post on the internet! It’s not funny,” he said with such sincerity that only made me laugh more. “Please stop laughing and help me!”

“Honey, it’s on your dick. It’s no big deal.”

“Real funny, Lo. Come on, get up.”

“You’re always saying you want your dick sucked and now your getting it, so stop complaining.”

The tears in my eyes from laughing so hard, washed out the sleep. I rolled out of bed still laughing. We headed down stairs. My mother in-law said, “Here comes Nurse Ratched.”

My father in-law said, “With her sidekick, Ticky Dick.”

I was happy they saw the comedy in the situation. Mr. Lane tried to keep his game face on.

I asked, “Did you find it while masturbating with your tweezers and magnifying glass there, Ticky Dicky bang bang?”

“I think he had the binoculars, maybe even the telescope,” my father in-law retorted.

“Oh you guys are funny,” Mr. Lane said straight-faced.

“I bet that is the first time anything, besides you, has been excited about your morning hard-on. You are getting close to 40,” I reminded. “And there isn’t as much blood flow down there. You sure that thing isn’t starving to death? Get a Viagra, STAT!”

My father in-law cackling, chimed in, “He might need more than one.”

“I bet that little bugger is saying to himself, ‘The ticks in Ethiopia are eating better than I am! It’s just my luck that I’d find the smallest vessel here at the lake!’ Honey, I’m going to need some coffee. Wouldn’t want to have too steady of a hand for this job. I’m surprised it didn’t just laugh itself off by now.”

Here is Ticky Dick, looking sad as ever with a magnifying glass.

My father in-law gathered some gear to help with the removal. Sorry it’s blurry, I was still laughing. He had a shot gun, binoculars and a flashlight.

As the day went by, Mr. Lane tried to forget about the little incident. He even rubbed up against me at bedtime. I turned, kissed him goodnight, and he said, “Just a kiss?”

“Honey, I don’t wanna get Lyme Disease,” I smugly said as I rolled over.

“Oh you’re a riot, Lo. You aren‘t going to get Lyme Disease. You got it out. I‘m all good. Right? Lois? You did get it all out, right??? Lois!”

Looking over my shoulder at his concerned face I couldn’t help but laugh some more. “Yes, I got it out… except for… the head. Man, it was stuck in there good!”

“Oh shit! Lois, hurry, you gotta get the whole thing out or I will get Lyme Disease!”

I couldn’t catch my breath. My cheeks and stomach ached from laughing so hard. “I got it all you big baby! But I’m still not taking any chances with you putting your Lyme in my coconut.”

“I hate you!”