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Sunday, May 06, 2007

Mama Said There’d Be Days Like This

Spring has officially sprung even at the nursing home. What is it about the fresh new season that makes people horny? I don’t know why, but most of us younger people tend to think that older folks don’t get horny. Well, my young friends, I hate to break the news to you, but they are just as bad as we are, if not worse.

Nakedness is abundant at the nursing home these last few days. One of the guys tried getting a couple of the nurses to hop into bed with him. Another grabbed a CNA’s crotch while she tried feeding him lunch. It’s not his fault that she squatted to sit right within his reach, right?! He’s the same man who reached out, getting awfully close to my boob and hollered,“Coochie coo!” I warned the girl whose crotch was grabbed that he was having a grabberiffic day. I guess she didn’t know what that meant. But now, she does. I never saw anyone turn that shade of red. The other girls and I had to hold each other up because we were all about to fall over from laughter.

The same day, one of the ladies took her boobies out… and set them on the table in front of her. It looked like she was serving up flapjacks, plop, plop. I tried telling her that there were men in the room, but she said, “To hell with them!”

I tried sneaking up behind her and pulling her shirt down, but she reached back to smack me. When she got to rubbing them right there in front of everyone, I knew I had to do something, and quickly.

I tried changing the subject, “So, how about them Cubs?”

I tried taking her to her room, “Would you like to go relax in your room for a while?”

“I‘m relaxing right here!”

“It’s so much quieter in your room. Come on, let’s go.”

“I’m not going anywhere!”

The ol’ switch-a-roo is one thing I have found that works with the most stubborn of people. I thought I’d give that a try. I looked feverishly around the room to find something to put into her hands to keep them occupied. It began with a book. She threw it at me.

I looked around again and found some squishy balls that are used when we play catch. They are rubbery and have a soft squishy feel. Round and squishy, just like… anyhow, I placed them into her hands. And it worked… just long enough for me to slide her chair back, making her boobies slide off of the table, and pull her shirt down from behind.

Just as I was about to mentally celebrate my slick switch-a-roo, I saw her stick the balls into her shirt. She preceded to rub them on herself.

“As long as she rubs under her shirt, it’s all good, right?” I asked myself.

No sooner did I think it and she had whipped them out again, plopped them back onto the table, and continued to rub the balls over them.

While all of this was going on, which, by the way, happened in less than a minute, our resident runaway from the post below, was making her great escape toward the exit with the alarm. All of my coworkers were off the unit helping on the other side of the building. I think the residents knew I was flying solo because they really ganged up on me. So in between trying to convince one lady to put her boobies away, I had to run down the hall to stop another from leaving. All the while, another lady, Laverne, mentioned a few posts ago, was screaming at the top of her voice, “Hurry! Get me a cane!!!” She continued to repeat that for the duration of the booby fest.

And if all that weren’t enough going on simultaneously in a mere moment, another lady, who like Laverne, is a kleptomaniac, quietly walked into the room, and pulled the clock off of the wall and proceeded to shove it down her pants. She tip-toed back to her room with the goods.

By then I was beside myself with laughter. It was that crazy losing your ever-lovin’ mind type of laughter.

When my coworkers finally returned, one asked, “How’d it go?”

I said, “You don’t want to know.”

Laughing, they all said, “Yes we do!”

So I told them. And they laughed at me, not with me, at me. By the end of the day, the entire staff, from the whole building, was pointing and laughing at me for trying the squishy ball switch-a-roo. One of the girls in the kitchen said, “Hey Lois, I heard you are having a rough day.” Holding two oranges up to her chest, she asked, “Would you like some fruit to make you feel better?”

I’m glad I gave a bunch of people something to laugh at, even if it was at my expense. Of course, I’m used to being a boob and the butt of a joke.