Don't Rock The Boat, Baby

The once a week blogger strikes again. I wish there was more time for writing fun stuff. I miss blogging and interacting with you guys on a daily basis.

Did you all see the comment left by ANT in last week’s post? ANT is a comedian, who hosts Celebrity Fit Club and is a judge on Last Comic Standing. He is also an all around great guy. He has become a staple in my blogging diet.

So, like a good blogging buddy, I whored myself out and invited him over to Home Fires, via his comment section on his NBC blog. I was happy the video clip of my old man screaming like a girl made him smile. ANT has been having a lot of migraine issues lately, and that was a bad day for him.

If you would like to send some virtual love and well wishes to a wonderfully funny and genuinely nice little bug, go see ANT here.

Okay, since I still haven’t told you everything about our Missouri trip and more of life’s insanity has taken place, I figure one more tale from the Lane Family Frolics is in order.



See this? That is me. Happily taking in all of the summery goodness I could after a long hard week. After building a monstrosity of a deck for my in-laws, it was playtime. Nothing pumps my nads as much as water sports. And anyone who says, “Tubing isn’t a sport, Lois!” can kiss my happy white ass.

My old man took me for a drag across that lake at 40-50 miles per hour. Holding on and not dying was certainly a sport. P.S. I so fucking won.



Here is the boy looking exhausted from being dragged by his dad.



Here is the girl looking like life gets no better than this very moment.



Here is the Cap’n of the ship, Mr. Lane.

It was a great day. I love my family. But… yeah, there is always a but, isn’t there? I rushed my turn on the tube jumping ahead of the line because, frankly, I had to pee. So I figured the lake is as good of a spot as any. Not wanting to share my bladder discomfort with the family, I just yelled for dibs to be first.

I hopped on the tube with more ease than I ever have. I was kind of hoping to fall off into the water all girlish like, and take care of business, ifyaknowwhatI’msayin’. Only, this is my life, and any of you who have been reading this blog over time knows, my life is always ass backward.

On the tube, still having to pee, I tell the old man, “Go easy on me. My arms are still sore from working.”

He gave me that devilish grin of his, and I knew I was in for a ride. He whipped my ass around that lake like he was trying to give me shaken baby syndrome. He was obviously paying me back for the tick (see Tick Toc Ya Don’t Stop below) incident.

I held on with all my might. I screamed so much that eventually no sound came out. I was so out of breath I couldn’t even laugh. Literally no sound came out. I think the air was forcing itself so quickly into my throat that it stifled any sound that tried coming out.

Seeing that he couldn’t kill me, Mr. Lane finally gave up and slowed the boat. I swam to the boat but my urge to pee was long gone… until Mr. Lane reached for my arm to pull me out of the water. It was a pull my finger trigger I guess. Neat parlor trick, huh?! Grab my arm and watch me piss myself! Anyhow, I slithered from his grip and tried to, ya know, but he kept reaching for me and grabbing my arm. Can you imagine trying to pee while someone is yanking your arm out of the socket?

Wiggling away from him, I finally got a good flow going (good god why am I telling you this, and why are you still reading) and Mr. Lane, hanging upside down on the end of the boat, reaching his arm out, yelled at me. “Get over here so I can help you!”

“I didn’t want your help, Mr. Grabby! I wanted to piss, okay? And you keep cutting it off at the pass!”

Why didn’t I just think it? Why did my mouth utter those words? Why did the three of them stand over me and watch? Why did I drink a whole pot of coffee before we left? Why will my kids need years of therapy… never mind, I know that answer.

For the rest of the day boating, I heard several one-liners from my lovely bunch.

“Hey Ma, the water is kinda cold over here. Thanks for not warming it up for me.”

“You sure you should be drinking that bottle of water, Mom?”

“Honey, try not to crap in the cooler back there.”

They are so sweet, aren’t they? I hope you have a great weekend!