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Saturday, February 09, 2008

The Butcher, The Baker & Candle Stick Maker

Most of you know, Mr. Lane in a really good baker. I believe I've posted sexy kitchen pictures of him here before. Seriously, there isn't anything sexier to me than a man baking chocolate goodies. But I'm kind of waiting for him to tell me he is going into business making candles next.

Mr. Lane has done so many things in his life and career. Make that careers. In our younger years, he job hopped like crazy. Every year, the man gets an itch. Thankfully it isn't loin lobsters. But for whatever reason, he feels the need to change jobs.

He began looking through the classifieds and found several perfect truck driving jobs. I personally didn't know there was such a thing. "Looky here, Bubba, this uns got a CB and a NASCAR decal, and they're fixin ta pay me to drive 'er."

One of those jobs was offering double the salary to do basically the same thing he was doing. The man was on it like the paparazzi on Britney.

He made the calls. He lied to his boss so he could have a day off to fill out an application. He lied to his boss again so he could go in for a drug test. After another callback he lied so he could go get his driving record from the DMV.

It was such a slow process, but finally, they called him to do an actual driving test, which meant, one more white lie to his boss, and one more day without pay. Off the bat, this potential job caused him to lose four days pay. I didn't have a great feeling about it, but I tried to be positive for his sake.

A couple of weeks went by and he began doubting his chances. He kicked himself in the ass about missing work and pay. Said stupid things about himself and his abilities. I was his sideline pep rally, trying to cheer him up, and convince him they didn't know what they were missing.

They eventually called him in for an interview. Fifth day unpaid leave from his job, yet I exercised my right to remain silent. Even though, I had plenty to say.

He came home, looking like a broken horse. "Well that was a complete waste of time."


"Well it's a truck driving job so I figure my record should speak for itself. They really shouldn't have much to talk to me about. But there were all these people in the room. They were sitting at a rounded table in suits, and I was in the center, like it was monkey in the fucking middle. They were throwing questions at me left and right, and it was all bullshit questions, scenarios, like 'What would you do if a flock of pigeons were lodged in the grill?' Well not really that, but stupid shit I can't even remember but would never happen.

"They were asking so many questions so fast I didn't really have time to answer, until this one guy says, 'What's the first thing you think of when you think, customer service?' I didn't hesitate and quickly blurted, 'Burger King!' In my head I was like, 'Did I just say Burger King? Why the fuck did I just say Burger King?' I was shocked. And they looked shocked. I could see it in their eyes as they looked at each other like they were all asking themselves, 'Did that fucking guy just say Burger King?' Trying to regain my composure after the awkward silence, I said, 'A-hem, you know, customer is always right. They can have it their way... and stuff.' I don't think that helped my situation."

It was really hard to not laugh. So the man who bakes yummy goodness, also butchered his interview. I felt bad for him somewhere beneath my insane internal laughter. But I was happy it turned out the way it did. As he continued to shake his head in disgust with himself, I asked if he wanted me to make some coffee, and in his best retarded voice impersonation, he yelled, "Burger King! Dat da white ansa?"

That just dropped me. I could no longer contain the hysterical laughter, and neither could he. I say that company doesn't know what they are missing.