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Wednesday, December 19, 2007

The Leader Of The Pack, Vroom Vrooom!

You ever see The Dog Whisperer? I friggin’ love that show. I loved it way before Daisy and Darla came into my life. Now I can actually apply what I learn… As Seen on TV. Sorry, I couldn’t resist. I’ve gotten the whole family into Cesar Milan’s show and all of his “chhh” ways.

I use “shhh” and “No” just because that is what works for me. If you haven’t seen the show, here’s a mini description. If you have seen the show, skip the rest of this paragraph. He is a dog trainer who can get any dog whooped into shape by making the sound “chhh” at them, along with tugging their leash when they act up, and remaining calm yet assertive with the animal. He says you have to be a good pack leader to your dogs, so they will know who is in charge.

Since my old man watched the show once, maybe twice, he has tried like the dickens to “chhh” his way into the hearts of the puppies’ and get some good behavior out of them. I think he is jealous that the dogs listen to me better than they do to him. The fact is, besides being with the dogs more, I am firm and consistent, like I am raising our kids who also, incidentally, listen to me better than their dad.

When he comes home from work, he is hoping for this grand welcome from the dogs, which I see as annoying behavior. I’ve been training them to stay calm and quiet when someone familiar comes over. They should know the sound of his truck and not freak out, barking their heads off when he comes home. He wants them to be thrilled to death to see him, barking, wagging, jumping and he probably wouldn’t even mind a little “Happy to see me” pee.

Have you seen dogs like that? They tinkle just a little because they are so glad to see you. That is by far one of the most annoying behaviors. Thankfully, our dogs don’t wag the piss out of themselves.

I also think the dogs shouldn’t run to the door and attack whoever is coming in by jumping up on their legs. (Specifically when the kids’ friends come over.) Sure the dogs are tiny, but what if they make someone fearful? It’s just one of those things I don’t want to deal with, so I run around shhhing them like crazy. A dog, or in this case, two puppies should be crazy and playful when it’s okay. And like Cesar says, they should be calm and submissive when I say.

Every once in a while if the kids are annoying me, I try it out on them, “chhh!” Or if Mr. Lane is in the mood and I’m not, I’ll put my hand up toward his face and say, “chhh!” If I find the toilet lid up, I point to it then to him and “chhh!” It’s become a running joke in this house. Lane 1 chhhed me when I told him to take out the trash. Lane 2 chhhed me when I told her to get off of the phone and do her homework. Mr. Lane tried chhhing at me when I told him to take the dogs out. Tried is the key word there. He laughed at himself halfway through his c and hhh.

Yesterday, while riding the LO Racer, yes I still have it, I was watching The Dog Whisperer and a commercial came on that really cracked me up. There was a woman who was “chhh!” ing at her husband for doing things like picking at dinner as she cooked. I nearly fell off of my bike because that is us! We totally wrote that commercial.

Slightly off topic and x-rated, but totally relates to the rest of this post… there was an urban legend running amok a long time ago about a huge group of people who were having a surprise party. They snuck into this woman’s house and hid in her room. The woman, who came home from work, didn’t go straight to her room. Instead, she went into the kitchen, stripped her clothes off, slathered herself in peanut butter and let her dog lick it off. Wondering where she was, her partygoers went looking for her. And poof, surprise! They got an eyeful of the birthday girl in her peanut butter covered birthday suit. It was a disgusting story. Plus it was bullshit. It was still a funny story to tell. Mr. Lane told it more than anyone.

Because of that urban legend, there have been amusing accusations from my old man, like, “Lois, where is the peanut butter?”

“Do I have to buy Skippy in bulk now?”

“I can’t find the peanut butter! Lois, are the dogs in training again or are you celebrating your birthday early?”

“They only listen to you because you are the keeper of the peanut butter!”

Introducing fictitious people to our animals, Mr. Lane says, “Welcome to our home. This is Jiff, Skippy, and Peter Pan,” he laughs trying to get through the only brand names of peanut butter he can think of. And he is sure his joke never dies. Seriously, he tells it every other day.

Last night I added, “Don’t forget our Chocolate Lab, Reese’s.”

“Reese’s! Hahaha! Oh God, Lo, you kill me. Is that Reese’s cup or Reese’s Pup?!”

You can see my old man and I have our differences in raising puppies, yet keep our sense of humor intact. But by watching the show, he sees why I am so firm. I don’t want to have two assholish dogs, and to be perfectly honest, he doesn’t either. He just wishes and thinks there is a way to raise them with no discipline or ground rules, and nothing but happy wagging tails and frantically licking faces can be the end result. Too bad Mr. Lane.

So just for shits and giggles, in my very best Hispanic accent, I told him I was watching the Dog Whisperer and Cesar said, “To be a good pack leeeader, jou need two tings, one, lots and lots a patients, and a big jar a peanut budder.”

Because he is either, dumb or gullible, Mr. Lane, laughing his head clear off his body, looked at me and said, “Hahahaha! Oh my God! Did he really say that?”

Realizing he was serious, I nearly laughed my belly button knot loose.

This is not going to turn into a pet blog. This will be the last you read of the dogs unless something extraordinary happens like they start shitting gold nuggets.

Tune in next time to read all about Lane 1 and his pimpery.