Get It On

Family and prudish friends, skip the first half of this blog.

Eighteen years into this relationship with Mr. Lane, I opened Pandora's Box. I was just trying to get a cup of coffee, when Darla, my wiener dog, licked my bare foot. I told her, "Stop licking my feet unless you're going to buy me dinner first."

Mr. Lane's sleepy eyes perked wide open. He asked, "Have you ever had a foot fetish?"

"Are you kidding me? Of course not."

"Why?"

"Because I'm kind of grossed out by feet."

"You don't have any fetish? Nothing kinky in your closet you want to try out on me?"

Barely able to contain my laughter, I said, "Don't you think by now, if I had a fetish, you'd know about it?"

"Well, some people are shy about that stuff."

"Have you ever known me to be shy about anything, ever?"

"No. Not really."

"Okay, then Mr. Porno Star, what kind of kinky shit do you have hanging in your closet?"

"Nothing!"

"A little on the defensive, no?"

"No!"

"Quick short answers mean you are on the defensive, Sponge Bob Guilty Pants. What are you hiding from me, you kinky fuck?"

Now laughing, Mr. Lane said, "My favorite is when you're on top. But that is hardly a fetish."

"Yeah, well, I'm afraid of heights. Next."

"Come on, Lo. Let's get our Sunday Heathen on."

The Sunday Heathen is what we call Sunday morning sex, since we'd rather be hollering, "Oh God!" from the bedroom than a church. Do you think that is a ticket to Hell? If so, someone get my hand basket ready.

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Alright already! So I have a contest and no one but Pinky, the attention whore extraordinaire, participates. What gives, home fries? (Home fries are slightly saltier than my Home Fires, but equally hot.)

She can't just win by default. Can she? You are aware of the fact that she has already won fabulous prizes here in the past, correct? Oh yeah, she has. Don't let her lyin' eyes fool you. And don't for one second allow her to use that adorable little bugger Shmoo to sway your vote.

This really is your last chance to make it happen. All of your peeps need to come here and speak on your behalf. They should tell me why you should win this awesome autographed CD by Bud Buckley. The people with the most friends, those with the best, funniest and/or most creative answers will all be sent to Bud. He will choose the winner.

I have to shuffle this one along. I have a lot of other things that need to be given away! It's true. So get it on! Deadline is this Wednesday! The winner will be announced some time next week.

You can take a listen to Bud or buy it your own damn self, by clicking right here.