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Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Once You Pop, You Can't Stop...

...Unless You Have Fat Hands

Fredric J. Baur died last month. He was 89. Do any of you know who that was? Well, as an investigative reporter, I've been searching for this guy for decades. Not so much for a big news story, but to give him a piece of my mind.

Don't worry, I only wanted to give a small piece. Seems Fredric was the genius behind the Pringles packaging system.

He wasn't the one who gave them the fun make-yourself-a-duck-face shape. He simply created a package to keep the chips from breakage. But there was a problem with his "genius idea."

Snack foods are supposed to make you feel happy. We use them when we are hungry, hankering a little salt, as a side dish with burgers and hot dogs, having a monthly issue, watching television or a movie, trying to ward off depression.

What? Some of us eat instead of taking Prozac, so shut your pie hole and keep reading.

Where is the happy in this product? Well, you get the salty goodness, and the crunchity fun, but seriously, should a package make the person feel fat? No is the correct answer. Even on my skinniest of skinny days, my giant hand never fit properly into a can of Pringles.

I always felt like the chip gods were somewhere, watching, and laughing at my fat hands. As I neared the middle of the can, I'd use my opposable thumb and my index finger to try and latch on to just one chip, or maybe a tiny stack, it never worked. While my index finger may have been sufficiently long, my thumb is somewhat nubby. Shut up!

Then nearing the bottom of the can, using my middle and index fingers like scissors, I try with all of my might. I know my hand isn't magically shrinking as I woof down the tube of Pringly goodness.

Turns out, there's no chip gods, just Fredric. And that S.O.B. probably laughed himself straight to the grave thinking of me and the millions of other salty loving bastards with fat hands.

So don't mourn the loss of this "icon." Instead, know he had a pretty great life and died laughing...probably at you and me. And per his own request, because he was so incredibly proud of his invention, a portion of his ashes has been buried in one of the cans.

When the angels come to take him to heaven, providing that is where he is going, I hope for his sake, they have tiny hands. Rest in piece you not funny man!