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Saturday, November 21, 2009

Live Like You Were Dying

As the holidays approach, a lot of my friends are freaking out about their weight. What is it about the holiday season that makes people beat themselves up? Holiday traditions in ALL countries, cultures, races and religions revolve around food, why freak?

If you think now is the time to worry about your weight, you’re going to miss out. Think about Santa for a second, you don’t see him skipping out on a plate of cookie-goodness do you? Enjoy the holidays the way you’re supposed to by eating, drinking and being merry.

This is going to be a different type of post than your average Home Fires insanity because I‘ve had this very same talk with too many friends to count. I want to put it out there as plain and simply as I can. I am not a doctor or a fitness guru, I just know this “common sense” stuff works. You’ll never find a diet book written by me because this is all you’ll ever need to know to get fit and stay fit.

First of all, you could learn a lot from a two-year-old. Absorb that thought before continuing.

Number 1, stop giving a shit about shit because stress can make your body hold in fat. (It has been scenically proven.) If you can change something, change it, if you can’t accept it and move on. Little kids don’t worry about shit, that’s why the majority of them aren’t fat.

Being happy and carefree are the two key ingredients to a happy, thinner us. Seriously a 2-year-old finds happiness in a commercial with a catchy jingle, and we get pissed at the very same commercial because we know that song will be stuck in our heads until 3 am.

We get pissed off at the sweet blue haired old lady in a matching powdered blue Cadillac because she is driving so slow in front of us. There is literally nothing that can’t or won’t wait for our arrival. So take that slow drive behind her in, like a kid would, take in the scenery, be happy about something, everything or nothing.

If you have a stress-filled life, you’ll cling to your weight, and it will cling to you, so just don’t. If you have a situation where you aren’t sure how to remain calm, put it in the comments and I or the readers here will try to help.

Once you conquer your stress level, the rest is easy peasy lemon squeasy, just follow the steps below.

1. Eat when you are hungry, not bored. (When you’re bored, go for a little walk outside.)

2. If you think you are hungry, drink a glass of water, wait 20 minutes, if you still feel hungry then guess what?! You are ready to eat. (do this as many times in a day as you feel hungry, you’ll be surprised how many times you were just thirsty)

3. Remember your stomach, not the bulge under your shirt, not the shed over your tool, not the muffin top that may look more like a whole bakery, just the organ… your stomach, it is supposed to be the same size as your fist. (ball up your fist, look at it, are you eating more than that much food in one sitting?) Your fist is your portion control. Only eat a fist-size portion, and only eat it when you’re hungry, after you’ve had a glass of water.

4. You can eat ten times a day if you are really that hungry, and you’ll still lose weight as long as you follow all the rules.

5. Do not deprive yourself, ever. If you want chocolate cake, eat the fucking cake. Not eating the cake and really wanting the cake equals stress. Stress equals fat. Cake tastes way better than stress. ‘Nuff said.

6. If you have to, use a smaller plate or bowl for your food. I’m a former member of The Clean Plate Society. Mom would kick some serious ass if there was any food left. Okay, since getting Mom’s nagging voice out of my head was nearly impossible, I just began using a salad plate rather than a dinner plate.

7. Avoid fast food as much as possible. Even skinny people get heart disease from that shit. If you love it so much and think you want/need it, remember… it is usually 16 year old, pimple faced kids, who rarely wash their hands, who spit when they talk, which may or may not land on that food they are making for your consumption. You’re welcome.

8. Eat slowly, chew your food properly. If you inhale your food, you’ll still feel hungry when you’re supposed to be done. Plus, you won’t be able to enjoy the flavor if you Hoover it down.

9. If you think you need seconds, you’re wrong. Save it for a meal later in the day or for lunch tomorrow.

10. Go outside as often as possible. The fresh air will do you good and so will the sun. The sun puts off vitamin D, which helps our immune systems. If you work in an office or are at home all the time, chances are you get sick more often than people who hang billboards or do outdoor work.

11. Vitamin supplements are good but not essential if you eat healthier than your average Lois. You can take a daily for men/women and an extra C and D during flu season. Your body naturally expels the vitamins it doesn’t use, so it’s okay to take all three every day.

12. The final and possibly most important rule, NEVER, EVER eat until you are full. Filling yourself stretches that organ called your stomach. You should only eat until you are no longer hungry. Satisfied is good enough.

Now, I’ll tell you why this combination works, and starving yourself or going on a fad/crash diet doesn’t.

This is a change of life. You will reprogram yourself to eat the way our bodies are intended to eat. This is nothing but old school common sense. In today’s society, we want bigger… and better and that’s okay for smiles, laughs, cars, houses and wallets, but not okay for our bodies.

The amount of health problems that come with being overweight are too many to list. Just know that changing your lifestyle through how you eat, will make you feel much better. Fad diets are very radical and our bodies will rebel. If you lose too much too fast, your chance of regaining is inevitable. The stress that causes to your insides isn’t worth it. How many people do you know, went on a diet, lost a lot of weight rather quickly, gained it back and then needed to have their gallbladder removed? I know a lot! It’s your body’s way of saying, screaming, “What the fuck have you done now?!”

If you’re one of those people who thinks starving themselves makes you thin, you are 100% wrong. Your body gets confused when you do that. It holds in everything you put in because it doesn’t know when you’ll give it more. By eating several meals each day, you are encouraging your metabolism to resurrect itself.

Once your metabolism, pulls a Jesus, and comes back from the dead, you’ll feel energized. You may even, dare I say, want to exercise?! I know, it’s a crazy concept but it will come naturally.

The water flushes the shit out of your body. It isn’t an old wive’s tale to drink 10 glasses a day. It is essential for good health. Here’s why:

1. It flushes out the fat and toxins from your body. (you won’t always piss like a race horse that’s just in the beginning)

2. It clears your skin, helps winter itch by hydrating from the inside unlike lotions, which also helps smooth out wrinkles.

3. It fills you halfway so you can’t and don’t want to eat as much.

4. It increases your metabolism, you will feel your heart beating a little faster, it’s kind of like tricking your body making it think you did some exercise.

5. It helps balance your cholesterol and blood sugar levels.

6. It keeps your ever aging beaver from drying out. (It’s 100% fact, that dry sex isn’t nearly as good… just don’t ask me how I know.) If you're a guy, know that a well-hydrated body has better circulation, which means...more blood flow to the main vein, which goes back to the "bigger better" theory.

Remember, you can drink too much water, which can kill you. So don’t do that because dead blog buddies aren’t any fun at all. Stick with the glass before each meal and you’ll be fine.

Bottom Line Proof:

You’ve all heard of Ponce de León, right? Spanish explorer blah, blah, Fountain of Youth, blah. Well, even way back in the day people worried about the way they looked. They wanted to be thinner and younger looking. So they traveled to these natural bodies of water seeking a better them.

What they didn’t know was they were looking great and feeling great because they were getting out of the house, taking in fresh air, getting a bit of sun, drinking more water than they ever had before, and they had to walk/hike to get to many of the remote locations. Back then, they knew about real portion control. So they were halfway there.

It had nothing to do with any magical waters. It was simply a combination of the Four Basic Elements “air, fire, earth and water” and you say, but Lois, you never mentioned fire. Well, duh, you got your dose of Home Fires, right now, so there.

If you are up for it and want to make changes in your lifestyle, get some thread or dental floss and a pair of scissors, a piece of paper and some tape. No, go right now, I’ll wait.

Okay, welcome back. Now, relax your gut, lift your shirt, wrap a piece of string around your middle intersecting with your belly button as a landmark of sorts, cut the string exactly where it meets in the middle of your middle, tape it to the paper, label it tummy.

Take another piece, doing the same with each of your body parts, hips, thighs, chest and arms (you may need help for that one) do not lose your paper.

This way of measuring is so important. A scale is nothing but a big, fat piece of lying, self-esteem crushing, dust collecting, bathroom dwelling asshole. The way your clothes fit differently, or a scale won’t tell you as much as those strings will.

In four weeks you are going to be ass deep in holiday magical goodness and that is when you are going to take the strings off the paper and re-measure your body parts. You can take a marker to color the string where it now meets, so you can see all the extra string just hanging there where your muffin top used to be.

How many inches of extra string you have depends on how fast your body likes this new way of life. Remember, everyone is different. (Certain medications may slow your progress but don’t give up.)

Final step, take a picture of yourself, a close up of your face, a second of your whole body and a third of your whole body profile. In two months, after the dreaded holidays have gone by, I promise you will see a difference. Your hair will have more shine, your skin will be smoother, your clothes will be looser and you’ll be so hot you will get your final basic element for real…fire will come when your significant other can’t keep their hands off of your hot ass.

I am Lois Lane, and I approve this message.