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Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Holiday Hangover

I think my kids have a built in radar that tells them when Mom has reached complete comfort. Santa came and went. And the little darlings were wide awake two and a half short hours later. There was no time for sugarplums to dance in my head or drool to form on my pillow.

"Who's going to make Mommy some Christmas coffee?"
"1-2-3 not it," they said in unison.
I rolled my ass over in bed, pulled the covers over my head and told them, "No coffee, no Christmas."

I love when they whine, it's so cute. It's kind of like the sound of a novice musician discovering the violin for the first time. They scurried off to the kitchen. "No peeking under the tree!" They fought over who would measure the grounds, who would pour the water, who would get the cup.

Mr. Lane had troubles getting out of bed, even though he was sound asleep by midnight. We all jumped on the bed shouting, "SANTA CAME!!! WAKE UP DAD!"

Christmas sucks mostly but there is nothing like the look of an excited child on the morning of. Both sleepy-eyed, smiling from ear-to-ear, "ooohing" and "aaahing" they made it worth the many hassles I encountered to get to that point.

Santa has been dropping acid again. Either that or he is trying to get back at me for calling him a fat bastard. Lane 1 got a set of electronic drums. Lane 2, a karaoke machine.

"What? Santa didn't bring headphones for you guys? Great!" "What the fuck was I thinking? Was I thinking at all? Maybe I dropped acid. How could I forget the fucking headphones? Can you kill me now?" (I only thought it.)

I knew the day and the next few months were going to be fun.

Mr. Lane became Mr. Slick. We sipped our coffee, snapped some pictures of the kids opening their gifts and he said, "You ready for your present?"

Knowing about the pink flowery knickknack, See Shoe Snacking post below, I giggled and said, "Oooh, I can hardly wait." He handed me the wrapped box. I could tell from the writing that our daughter wrapped it for him. "What a slacker! Can't even wrap one gift!" (I only thought it.)

Armed to the teeth with obnoxiousness ready to spew from my lips, I unwrapped the biggest zoom lens available for my camera.

I thought, "But, where's the gay flowery thing? This box was the same size as that box! He tricked me! And I made fun of him. And now I'm feeling a bit sheepish. "

"Alright you baaad boy! How did you? I mean, why did you? Oh my God! Do you know how long I've wanted this?"
He had that smile on his face. You know the smile I'm talking about. The, "How's that crow sandwich tasting bitch?" smile.
"We weren't getting each other anything. Remember?"
"Well I broke the rule. Spank me."
"You wish!"
"Thank you so much!"

Still smiling like a giant dork he handed me another gift. Same size, same shape as the first. And there it was. In all of its knickknacky gayness glory, a lighted, pink flowered, crystal, color changing doodad.
"Oh, honey. You shouldn't have! Really! I mean you really shouldn't have."
"Hey, it's the least I could do for an old soul like yourself. And just so you know, as long as I'm alive, you will never have to live at Happy Acers Nursing Center."
"You are so damn sweet! Thank you so much!"
"But, if you start shitting your drawers, I'm going to have to hire someone to wipe your ass."

Times like these, I think, how can you hate and love someone so much?!

"Your turn Mr. Slick." I handed him a gift that I, incidentally, wrapped myself.
Tripping over his words, "What about no gifts? What about Christmas is for kids? What about... hey, this isn't a matching blue, flowery, gay knickknack is it?"
"Just open the damn thing!"

As he quickly unwrapped his portable DVD player, I could see the same excitement on his face the kids had opening their gifts. He looked adorable. Until he spoke.

"Did you buy this after you knew I got that stupid knickknack? Were you trying to outdo me again?"
"Actually no. It was the first thing I bought. I did consider buying a dancing Jesus doll for your dashboard but I guess they are in high-demand this time of year because I wasn't able to find one."
"This is so cool! I'm glad we both broke the rules this year!"
"Yeah me too! Look at the pretty flowers... droooool!"