Shoe Snacking

I've really gone and messed things up this time! By the way, this has nothing to do with my Christmas Eve feast, which I will write about tomorrow.

Mr. Lane, one of the sweetest people in the world, was showing me all of the things he bought for his loved ones. Typical guy doing all of his shopping last minute. Trust me, I gave him plenty of shit for that but it was nice to know he was running even more behind than I was.

I was trying to get our feast prepared as he began pulling stuff out of bags. He handed out a few jokes about my cooking skills, or lack there of. I think he was returning the shit I started to dish out. I threatened to poison his portion if he didn't shut up.

I have to admit, he looked so cute with his red Santa hat on. Plus, his cheeks were rosy from the blustery wind. He was smiling ear-to-ear, I couldn't help but be happy for him.

First he pulled out two gift cards. "My sisters have everything. I figure I might as well give them something they can give me back for my birthday."

"Good thinking."

"Check this out. I got this for my step mom." He was still smiling. "You think she's going to like it?"

It was a 6 inch high, knick-knack, with a crystal cube top and a wooden base. It had a light in the base illuminating pink flowers that were laser embedded into the crystal.

I know his step mom, and she is a class act. She collects some of the world's finest doodads and knickknacks. And here he held a Wal-Mart special and was still smiling. Because he was so happy, I tried to smile at that thing, but... it was ugly.

"What? You hate it, don't you?"

"Well, no I don't hate it. It just kinda looks like it's made for a really old lady... in a nursing home." I smiled. He didn't.

"You don't think she is going to like it?"

Because of our ongoing shit-slinging relationship, I said, "Sure she'll like it, when she is 94 and living in Happy Acres Nursing Center, drooling, shitting her pants and talking to herself." I don't think my way of cheering him up was working.

His eyes shifted from the gift to me, repeatedly.

I tried to unpanic him with another joke. "Really it'll be great. Just imagine, at 94, she'll have nothing left to live for, she's waiting to die and then she thinks to herself, 'Oooh, look at the pretty pink flowers (drooooool).' It can't help but bring hours of happiness."

"Oh, no you didn't biatch!" (He really isn't an inner-city 20something woman, he just plays one when you insult him.)

I played along, "Oh, yes I did." (accompanied by a neck roll)

"You really don't think she'll like it?"

"Honestly? No."

"Great."

I could see he was upset and I started to feel bad. "Maybe I think she won't like it because she's a classy lady. But it's from you, she'll love it no matter what."

"But it's ugly right?"

"Not so much ugly as, well, Happy Acres."

"Guess what I got for you." He held up an identical pink flowered crystal knickknack.

After I picked my jaw up from the floor, I immediately realized how deeply I'd inserted my foot into my mouth.

I tried to fix things by saying, "Well, for me, I mean, it's great. It's cute. I think it's okay."

He wasn't buying it. "You said it looks like it's for an old lady!"

"Well, I have an old soul." I was backpedaling as fast as humanly possible but my foot was sliding further down my throat. "I mean, I feel old... a lot, and well, I'm into old lady things like antiques, Bingo and Canasta and stuff."

I tried to turn the tables on him. We'd agreed that we weren't buying each other anything. So I did have a bit of ammo to take the heat off of me. "Hey, what happened to us not exchanging gifts? What happened to Christmas sucks? What happened to we spend too much money on all this crap?"

"I couldn't just get you nothing. But that's okay because I know you'll like the other thing I got for you."

"Another gift? You weren't supposed to get me anything! Now I really feel bad." This was true, somewhat. But tomorrow morning when he sees that "Santa" brought him a portable DVD player, I'm sure he will have all but forgotten about the ugly ass not so Happy Acres Nursing Center pink flowery doodad.

Merry Christmas everyone!