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Tuesday, September 27, 2005

The Name Game

This is a warning. If you are a soon-to-be parent, listen up. I mean, now read this! Whether you intend to plant your seed tonight or it's already cookin' in the oven, this may be the most important thing you will ever read. As far as I know, all of the baby and parenting books have withheld this vital information. I consider myself a friend to all of you Fertile Freds and Fertile Frans out there in Blogville.

We all want our children to stand out in a crowd. We want them to feel like an individual. We don't want to have our child one of seven Michaels in his kindergarten class. We have to tread with caution, however.

Names that are popular and unique today, may suck tomorrow. For instance, do you think they knew decades ago that Dick would one day no longer mean Richard? Imagine yourself, a shy little boy, on the playground, it's recess. You stand alone near the jungle gym, hoping someone will at least wave at you. Next thing you know, all of the girls in your class are checking you out. You smile your best smile. They smile back. Then together they shout, "Hey Dick! How's it hanging?" See, that right there, would just plain suck.

If you name your child after a place. Say, you and your significant other met in Pittsburgh, and you think it would behoove the child to be named after the place Mommy and Daddy fell in love. The idea does offer a hint of romance, but how do you think little Pit is going to feel when his classmates call him Shitsburg? I'm guessing, he will feel pretty shitty.

If you feel a fancy name is in store for your spawn be careful. Know your porn star names before your little Linda Lovelace winds up being asked by her peers if she is loving leather and candle wax along with her lace.

Here's another not so nifty, yet trendy thing new parents do. They like to change the spelling of a name, to make it even more unique. Besides making the teacher sound like a total dumbass trying to pronounce their name, chances are that initial mispronunciation will later become the child's nickname among his or her circle of friends.

Besides being dubbed a ridiculous nickname that surpasses the stupidity of the child's given name, Junior just might have a little trouble when he tries to apply the letters in his name to the rules of the English language. When you defy the basic principles of the native tongue, that will only result in more confusion for the child. If you do not heed this warning, I say unto you, "Nice job! You have prevented your child from learning up to their potential with your add-on vowels and silent letters. You must be proud."

Just remember, no matter what you name your child, he or she will be a unique individual, just like everyone else.