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Friday, September 09, 2005

Jumpin' Jack Flash It's A Gas, Gas, Gas

My mother's collection of remote controls prompted Hoss to ask me if there has ever been a remote control fart machine invented. I'm here to tell you that yes, there has. With a simple push of a button, you too can clear a room.

Three years ago, as a way to get back at me for buying her kid some obnoxious toy, my sister in-law bought my kids a fart machine for Christmas. Now that right there is the gift that keeps on giving. The kids were thrilled with the gift. I mean, really, how could they not be? They took that thing everywhere and tricked everyone.

One time they brought it to my mom's. Lane 1 bent over for a kiss, Lane 2 pushed the button. My mother thought she had squeezed the gas right out of the boy. She laughed. When she hugged Lane 2, Lane 1 pushed the button. She looked at me as if to say, "Holy bean dip Batman! What are you feeding them?" I shrugged my shoulders and went in for my own hug and kiss. The kids pushed the button a few times, making it sound like I was a deflating balloon zooming all over. Finally, she knew something was up.

Seeing a grownup excited about a fart machine was comedy in the making. Mom, who is always quite animated anyhow, bent over to pick something up, pushed the button and giggled like a school girl. How can you not love the easily amused?

She tricked everyone that came over to visit that day. She hid the machine in her pocket until timing was just right. I'm pretty sure she was enjoying the little fart machine more than my kids had. Once everyone arrived, we decided to go grab a bite to eat.

Although some might say buffet is an acronym for Big Ugly Fat Fuckers Eating Together, there is this one place by my Mom's that is by far the best buffet I've ever been to. It is the cleanest with the best food and best of all, there aren't a bunch of nasty truck drivers who patronize the place. (Remember Mr. Lane never reads this blog, so if I want to cap on nasty truckers, it's all good in da hood yo.)

Just like a child, Mom said, "Lois, watch this."

She went to sit in the waiting area because there were so many people already standing in line. Rather than taking a chair on the end, she opted to squeeze in between two men. There she sat, me watching from a safe distance, she bent over to tie her shoe. She pushed the button. Both men tried really hard not to look at her. She pushed it again. One of the men got up and walked away shaking his head. I stood there ready to piss myself. Mom's face was bright red and so was the remaining guy's.

I sat down in the newly opened chair and she pushed the button again. I looked at her and the guy and shook my head. The guy walked away with his nose covered by his shirt like a third grade boy. The power of suggestion is an amazing thing.

The rest of the family was standing in line and didn't know that Mom had the fart machine with her. One of the guys stood near his family and told them about the farty lady he had been sitting next to. Once my sister heard that, she knew what mom was up to. Suddenly most of the people in the line were looking right at us. I took that as an opportunity to fan the air and walk away with a look of disgust on my face, just so I wouldn't be confused as the farting lady.

When Mom caught up with us in line, there were already some new people waiting behind us. You can imagine the horror they must have felt as they heard that oh-so-familiar sound.

Mother then did the unthinkable. She went to the front of the line to ask "How long of a wait will it be?" As she leaned over the counter to speak to the man behind it, she pushed the button. The looks on the faces of the people were priceless. I wish I had a video camera rolling. Heads turned away, noses crinkled up, grown men hid their faces in the tops of their shirts and ladies gasped in disgust. If all that weren't enough, she followed it up with another push of the button, as she was walking away, and said, "Oh my! I guess I better stay away from gassy foods today."

Thanks for triggering my memory Hoss. Now, aren't you sorry you asked? Have a great weekend everyone!