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Thursday, October 06, 2005

Sunday Afternoon In the Park

I received a somewhat frantic phone call from my mother yesterday. She was on the verge of tears but almost laughing in a "Please lock me up and throw away the keys" kind of a way. I listened as she rambled on.

"Lois, oh man. I did something so embarrassing. I feel so stupid."

"Are you crying or laughing?"

"Oh, I don't know."

"What's wrong Mom?"

"I was outside, taking the dog for a walk. You know how I have been feeling sick to my stomach the last few days, right?"

"Yeah. You didn't get hurt did you?"

"No, honey, I'm fine. Embarrassed is all."


"Because I was puking my brains out. It came out of nowhere. I couldn't even get back home. I was standing there, holding the dog's leash and puking up a storm."

"Why the hell would you be so embarrassed about that?"

"Because! Can you imagine what my neighbors must have been thinking? 'Oh, there's the crazy, drunk puking lady with her dog.' Man, I am embarrassed."

"Were ya drunk?"

"Damn it Lois! You know I wasn't."

"So who gives a shit what your neighbors think? You are sick. You barfed. No biggie. Fuck what people think."

"I can't. Man, I feel so stupid. That's was the most embarrassing moment of my entire life."

"No Mom. That was, by far, not the most embarrassing moment of your life. I remember when I was in first grade. I accidentally called my teacher 'Mommy.' Do you remember that?"


"Do you remember what you told me that day?"

"No. What?"

"You told me that calling my teacher 'Mommy' was not the worst thing in the world. You said my teacher probably was called 'Mommy' by a lot of kids over the years. The most important thing you said to fix my fragile ego was that the kids in my class would all but forget by the next day, and you were right. They did. I swore I was never going to school again. I was sure the whole school would point and laugh and make fun of my mistake. You reassured me by telling me something that you called, your most embarrassing moment. And I would say that old story tops P.I.P."


"Puking in public."

"I don't remember. What story did I tell you?"

"You told me that you and one of your girlfriends were hanging out in the soda shop after school."

"Oh my God! Now I remember. I can't believe you remember that."

"How could I forget? It was by far the most embarrassing moment I had ever heard of at the ripe old age of 6-years-old."

That day in the soda shop, my mom was sipping her drink through a straw and looking out the window. She spotted a very cute boy. And he must have really been cute because I still remember the twinkle in her eyes as she shared the story so many years ago.

She smiled. He smiled. She looked at her girlfriend. They giggled. She looked back out at the boy. He was still looking at her. She lifted her drink, not taking her eyes off of him, and her straw went right up her nose.

Mom giggled as I reminded her of that story. I don't think she really felt better though. What other way could I make my mom feel a little better about P.I.P. and a straw up the nose, than posting it on the internet?

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to tell Mom a story about yourself in an embarrassing situation. You can remain anonymous, should you choose to do so. If you are one of those perfect people, who never fucks up, tell on someone else.