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Thursday, December 30, 2004

Packaging Punishment

Silly me! I thought I would be finished with the madness that is known as Christmas as soon as December 26th hit. Wrong! Five days later I am still opening toys.

How did these kids get so much shit? I know I didn't buy it all. And I certainly know they weren't on the top of the nice list. My side and Mr. Lane's side of the family over bought. Plus some of their little friends gave them stuff. It's really out of control. A very commercialized Christmas here at the Lane Estate, indeed.

The way the toy manufacturers package these things, I swear they don't even want the kids to play with this crap. Either that or they are trying to test the strength and patience of all parents everywhere. Why in God's name is Barbie's stupid fucking hair sewn to the cardboard in the box? What purpose does this serve?

Save your logic about Barbie's hair being sewn in so it remains perfect through shipping, because you know what? I'll tell ya, by the time I was done ripping that bitch and her bleached blonde hair out of the box, she was as nappy as afro Barbie. I swear to God, I thought I was going to have to get the jaws of fucking life to pull that bitch out of the box!

Every accessory that came with the her was super glued into the box too and then wrapped with plastic. And twist ties, don't get me started on those! Did you know that some Barbie's come with as many as 17 twist ties? Why? Save some for the bread for Christ's sakes!

I especially hate the hard plastic coverings that some toys are packaged in. I even cut myself trying to open one yesterday. Scissors are no match for this hermetically sealed plastic. You need a knife. A big knife. No, it wasn't the knife that cut me, it was the plastic. Once that shit was cracked open, the plastic became a weapon of mass destruction. I even bled!

Electronics suck more now than ever. Every toy that requires batteries, not only doesn't come with batteries, but also must be opened with a screwdriver. It isn't even a normal sized screw. You have to have one of those tiny little screwdrivers like you would use to fix glasses. Well guess what? I don't wear glasses and neither does anyone in this house.

So there I sat, on the living room floor at 8 o'clock this morning with the tip of a pocket knife trying to open the battery compartment on the stupid handheld "Juice Box" toy that my daughter just had to play with.

I don't care how many kids ingested battery acid! That shit builds character. There is no need to lock up the batteries. Maybe if they didn't do that, we would be able to weed out the idiots early. Yes, fine I'm only kidding. But shit people, what happened to parental guidance? What happened to common sense? What happened to taking responsibility for your own stupid actions. If I am dumb enough to ingest battery acid from something that doesn't have these safety devices installed, my family can sue the company for lots of money because I am a fucking idiot!

For all of the years my kids have been around, I've said, "Don't use your teeth to open that! Don't hold the scissors that way! Don't use a knife, you'll hurt yourself!" And in the last five days, I've broken all of those rules.

Every year before Christmas, all of the media outlets put together their Dangerous Toys list. Never do any of these lists include the danger of just opening the fucking toys. Next year maybe I will come up with my own list of toys that are the most unsafe for parents. I'll include ear cancer causing items, including, but not limited to, karaoke machines, drums, guitars, keyboards and Barbie Shopping Carts.

Now, if you will all excuse me, I have to go rescue another Barbie from the clutches of her packaging. I hate that needy bitch!