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Friday, January 21, 2005

To Pee Or Not To Pee, That Is The Question

My blogging buddy Michelle brought to light the Shee Pee. Chicks peeing while standing is all the rage, apparently. The nuts and bolts of this story are, a company supplies disposable, waterproof, pissing cones so women do not have to sit while going number one in a public bathroom.

"HEY! Wait a cotton pickin' minute!" I thought. "That's my invention! Who told? Damn it all to hell anyhow!"

No, really, I did invent that, I swear. Here's what happened... Fade to black. Fade back in... Lois Lane, a 9-year-old girl sits nervously awaiting her turn in the dentist's office.

I was sitting with my mother in the waiting room. I was terrified because I knew how many times I didn't actually brush my teeth when I was told. I also knew how many snacks I ate in any given day. I was aware of the fact that my sister came home crying from her last visit to this very office. She walked out with four less teeth, two fillings and a mouth stuffed with bloody cotton. I knew that eating an occasional glob of toothpaste, could not actually prevent cavities, but it did help in the event my mother said, "Let me smell your breath." (She really said that sometimes.)

During my wait, I flipped through every page of every magazine. I talked my mother's ears off. I paced a worn section out of the rug, and then I saw it, the water cooler!

"Ohh, it makes bubbles and has it's own little cone cups! How cool are these?"

I started to get an idea. It was a really cool idea. (Who knew how ahead of my time I was?!) I drank about 30 cups of water. After the water kicked into my system, I headed toward the bathroom, cup in hand.

I bit the pointy end of the cone cup off, pulled my pants completely off, stuffed my panties into my pants' pocket (you never know when or where a panty raid might take place) tossed my pants on the top of the stall door, I straddled the toilet and let it flow into the cup, which drained perfectly into the toilet.

I thought, "It works! But I need to work on my aim."

I put my pants back on, washed my hands and ran out of there like my ass was on fire.

I told my mom, very loudly, "I can pee like a boy!" Everyone looked at us. My mom didn't say anything.

"Lois, it's your turn."

My mom still looking at me like I was insane, I excitedly told the nurse, "I can pee standing up, just like a boy! I can hardly wait for it to snow again! I am going to pee outside and write my name in the snow!"

By this time, I think the nurse was afraid of me or maybe that was a look of sympathy for my mom. It's hard to tell the difference when you are a kid.

When Dr. Smiley came in, I took a big deep breath because I was going to tell him all about my pee cone. I think my mom knew what I was going to say but wanted to keep my invention a secret, or something.

She put her hand over my mouth before I could shout, "Hey, guess what?!" I wanted to bite her hand but I didn't want the dentist to think he had a wild one who might turn on him biting a hunk of flesh out of his meaty hands. So I quietly gave my mother the "I'll behave. I promise." look.

I took a bunch of those cups and hid them in the sleeve of my coat to later share with my friends, who by the way, also thought I was nuts. Not one of them would even give it a try. I felt very alone in my quest for pissing upright. This was evolution in the making but no one was willing to give in to change.

The first snow finally fell. I grabbed a cone I had been saving for a snowy day. I clipped the end off with my scissors. By then, I learned cutting it on an angle helped me to aim better. I didn't bother bundling up and off I went. The big tree in the backyard was my stall. I dropped my drawers, I also had mastered the act without taking my pants completely off. I positioned the cone.

L-O-I-..............."Darn it!" S (an S is hard to pee straight)

I was very proud of myself. I was the first girl on the block, maybe even the first girl in the world, to write my name in the snow!

I pulled up my pants, ran into the house and screamed, "MOM! DAD! MOM!!! HEY! I did it! I wrote my name in the snow! With pee! Come outside hurry! You gotta see this!"

My parents gave me that look. You know the look of, "Should we commit her?" They humored me and came outside. I can't say they were exactly proud of me but they both laughed.

Imagine how much money I could have made off of that at the ripe old age of 9! Even though I will never see the fruits of my labor, I am pleased to know I wasn't crazy like everyone else thought. I was simply a couple of decades ahead of my time.