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Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Bad To The Bone

Today's post comes to you much later than intended because it isn't the story I intended to share. As you read this, you may find it PG rated or perhaps R rated. If you are more like me, it's triple X baby.

My internet came back yesterday, but it was very short-lived. Bubba is a bad, bad man. He not only stole my Blue Collar Comedy but he knocked out the cable for everyone in my neighborhood. I saw two police cars over at Bubba's today. Typical scene like you'd see on Cops. Bubba's ballcap wasn't straight on his head, his undershirt (dego-tee or wife beater) was stained and his jeans hung low. I wasn't aware of our neighborhood crack problem until that moment. I can't be positive but I do believe he had a can of beer in his hand at 9:30 this morning. It's really hard to tell what people are drinking under those foam can cooler, Koozy things.

I don't know if they took Bubba away, if he got fined, was given a warning or if the officers went inside to join him watching NASCAR. I got distracted when the cable guys showed up again. They are back outside playing with their pole. I guess they didn't get enough of that yesterday.

I tried to offer some words of encouragement to get them to make my cable to come back as quickly as possible.

As the fat guy climbed into the cherry picker, I shouted, "Get up in there big boy. That's right, just spread your legs a little, straddle, yeah, there ya go. You're almost in, just a little more. Steady big fella. Oh yeah, you're in there now aren't ya?!"

The second cable guy stood below and I said, "You liked watching him get in that box didn't you? Can you believe how big he is? I didn't think he was going to fit. I sure hope he doesn't get stuck. By the way, that's a mighty long cable ya got there. You really wanna hook me up don't cha? It's just been so long since I've had cable. I'm going through withdraws. Oh, you just don't know how bad I want it now."

As the big guy came back down I asked, "Don't you ever feel a tiny bit nervous going down? Oh, I see, you like to go down slow and easy. That's the best way, really. Now, would you like to come inside and see if you've successfully turned me on?"


Forget The Cost

Although free is my favorite number, you do get what you pay for. Blogger is down now and I'm slightly annoyed. Sure I could be doing other stuff. But guys, I been doing other stuff all day. (Yes, I am whining.)

I've wasted all of my good farting around time doing other boring crap like mowing the lawn, digging up the ugly bush in front, cleaning things that should only be cleaned when you have company, like the medicine cabinet, linen closet and the ceiling fans.

I have not "worked" more than 45 minutes all day, which was all on the telephone to say sorry I can't send those two stories I wrote for you last night, my internet is down." Kiss that gig goodbye.

I even tried the library but because they use the same provider, they too were out of service.

When I made an attempt to post earlier, Blogger told me that there is some type of error. The error is that I signed up for a free service that I actually rely on. I guess that means, this was a user error.

Be careful folks, stooopidity is contagious, I must have gotten mine from the guys playing with their poles and tools all day.