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Thursday, April 28, 2005

Roses Really Smell Like...

You ever have that not so fresh feeling? Anyone ever yell, "Yo, Stank Ass!" in your general direction? Are beans one of your favorite foods but you fear the ramifications of eating them?
Do your drawers come with a warning label like this?

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Well folks, look no further than right here at Home Fires for a solution. I've searched high and low to bring to you, my flatulent friends, only the best.

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The Flatulence Deodorizer has a patent pending but I imagine they will be available everywhere very soon. Those who have tried out the promo said, "Oh my God, this thing really works!" and "This has changed my life!" and my personal favorite, "NOW I don't have to worry about what I eat!"

Ah, yes! Beans, beans musical fruit, the more you eat the more you toot. The more you toot the better you feel, and now you can eat beans at every meal.

Okay kids, if your bung is so out of control that you fart without warning, and you just can't wait for shipping of The Flatulence Deodorizer, I have created a cheaper, easier way to help you not stink up the room in the meantime.

I bring to you, Butt Plugs. (no patent pending)

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Glade already makes Plug-Ins that you can stick into the wall. Little did the fine folks at Glade know, I've found a way for you to stick them in your ass. Your butt wind creates it's own fan*, meaning, no batteries are required. Butt Plugs come in many scents to choose from.

Butt Plugs don't just cover up the odor. Oh no! They clean your ass air as it expels. You won't ever again have to worry about Rover whimpering and throwing his paw over his nose while you toot your way through the half-time show.

If Butt Plugs do not fit your stank budget, fear not my fellow fartkateers. I've found yet another way to keep you smelling fresh, without costing you a fortune. I bring to you the Priceless Pine. (no patent pending)

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Just staple one of these babies to the tag on your tightie whities and voila, your partner will feel as if they are sleeping in the forest, rather than the gas chamber. Priceless Pine can renew your relationship while you await your order of the one, the only, the original, The Flatulence Deodorizer.

I am Lois Lane. I'm not only a member, but I'm also a client, and I approve this message.

* Use extreme caution that the shit doesn't hit the fan.