Ask Lois Continues

Dave wants to know how I developed such a great pair of guns. Like Popeye, I eats me spinach. Muscle is easy to obtain as long as you keep your body hydrated (64 oz of water everyday) and your fat intake low (no more than 25 grams). I used to use free weights but they really hurt my back. Likely caused by poor posture while lifting.



As much as I love the LO Racer 2006, I also use one of these when I exercise. If you get 15 minutes in a few times a week, you'll see muscle mass in less than a month (in your arms, abs, legs, shoulders and back). What I love about this thing is it costs about 6 bucks, takes very little time, it's low impact like doing girly pushups and it works your whole body. Sure, the first few days, you'll ache like an old whore, but you'll be glad ya did.

Dave also wants to know who I feared most as a child. Clearly that would be my mom. Dad was an old softy and Mom ruled with an iron fist. Or a frying pan, slipper, wooden spoon or anything else she may have been holding when I was caught in the act of being less than an angel.

Hoss wants to know if I am aware of my Chicago accent. I guess I am mostly aware of it when I talk to those northwestern folks.

He also wants to know if I have kept track of all of the animals we have rescued. I don't have a tally sheet but I'd guess about 30 cats, 1 bunny, 3 opossums, 1 hedgehog, 5 dogs, 15 birds and 1 field mouse. Yes Hoss, the opossum story was the wildest of all.

For the final question of the day, I don't know if I am going to make the trip to Vegas. I'm still hoping. I have my fingers, legs and eyes crossed.

If you have questions, feel free to leave them in the comments.

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Eternal Flame

Sunday we had a get together in honor of my dad. First we went to church. Can you imagine our crazy brood in church? There were about 25 of us there taking up three pews. I was sandwiched between my mom and my sister Mary. You know how when you were little and you had a friend who always said stuff to make you laugh during the most inappropriate times? That was them. They tried to behave but they just couldn't.

When the collection plate was being passed around, Mary said, "I'll take some of that."

My mom pulled a wad of singles out of her purse and began passing them out so everyone would have something to offer. As she passed singles down the pew, she said, "All of that dancing really paid off."

The dollar my mom gave me was passed down to Mary because she didn't have any money, and didn't want to be left out. My mom saw I didn't put anything in the collection plate and asked, "Where's that dollar I just gave you?" And Mary, that lying heathen loudly said "She put it in her pocket."

The priest was nice and welcomed our lovely bunch of coconuts and said some nice stuff about my dad. He was actually the priest who came to the house to give my dad his last rights. We were surprised he remembered him and our family. I guess it's hard to forget such a big group of crazies.

There was a somber moment thrown in but mostly, we celebrated his life happily by being together.

After church, we went to brunch. Mom thought Anita called ahead of time and Anita thought Mom called. We showed up, 25 people, with no reservations. Amazingly enough, they accommodated us. Aunty Shorty and Uncle Giant sat across from me and told me a couple of cousin Joey stories to share on the blog.

Since my aunt and uncle have been sick, my cousin Joey has really stepped up to the plate. He is as helpful as he can possibly be. I really am proud. But not so proud that I can't make fun of what his folks told me.

Aunty Shorty sent him to the store for Italian bread. Joey went over to the bakery section. You know how they package fresh bread with half of it sticking out of the bag? Well, Joey saw that, ripped off the part that wasn't in the bag, and put it back in the bread bin, taking only the bagged portion. He thought that was just how it's done, like bananas, I guess.

As the filled tables roared with laughter, Uncle Giant said, "Oh, that's nothing, how bout that candle?" Joey turned four shades of red and Uncle Giant continued. "We had these candles burning and Tony was over. He asked Joey if he smelled the candle. He said it smelled really nasty. Joey said he hadn't, so he picked it up, gave a sniff and the flame shot right up his nostril. His eyes were about this big and you could hear his nose hair getting singed, tttssss, sssstttt. Oh my God, you should have seen the look on his face."

Looking at Joey as his father told the story, he had tears pouring down his beet red cheeks. Another classic Joey moment.

For a day I was dreading, it turned out to be one of the best.