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Monday, August 21, 2006


This crow is pretty tasty. I’ve been chewing on it for a couple of days. Mom read that she’d been fired and worked out a scheme to redeem herself. Coffee flowed freely, and food was at my beck and call. She even helped me with my homework one night. Having to rehire her after pulling a Donald Trump on her ass was not exactly fun, but slowly, I am getting used to the idea.

I had to write a sketch for The Second City. I don’t know if it was because I was going on a week without quality time with my old man, or if it was simply a random idea that popped into my head, but I ended up writing about sex and cooking. Odd combinations were encouraged in the exercise called clash of context.

Mom is a big fan of the Food Network. Hell, even before that channel came in to play, Mom watched Julia Child on PBS. We grew up thinking the drunk cooking lady on the TV was a relative. That’s how often she was on in our house.

So I sat at Mom’s computer (yes, she even shared that) trying to get my homework started. She brought me a fresh cup of coffee, without being asked. When she saw that I was on the Food Network’s website, she asked what I was working on. I told her I needed some information about some of the chefs so I could make a parody sketch. She sat down and opened up her cooking magazine with Rachael Ray on the cover. Who has these magazines lying around?

I told her I needed some characters with names that could be slightly changed to make them sound more like porn stars. By the time we were finished laughing our silly asses off, I had, Emeril Longossi, Rachael Lay, Julia Wild and Man (instead of Yan Can Cook).

My next step was to list cooking terms that sounded perverted. She was on it like Julia Child on a bottle of wine. Here are some we came up with:

Heating things up a bit

Big cleaver

Big blade

Meats need to be beat

Work the meat real good

Slather it with extra virgin olive oil

Stick it in the oven

Drizzle the top with cream sauce

Fondue and mushroom caps

Proper boning

Tender breasts


Heavy cream

And finally, flank steak

See, how could I not hire this woman back? Mom rocks. There, I said it. What additions would you recommend? If I have time this week I’ll add your suggestions and rewrite the sketch to post here.