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Sunday, October 21, 2007

Hurts So Good

Damn it all. I had this nice long post for you and guess what? My computer pooped out. Well, the cord did. Now with no battery power, I am not able to access anything on my laptop. So here I am stuck using the family computer. Which, by the way, is a total piece of shit. Eventually I’ll buy a replacement cord and all will be right with the world. Eventually.

I’ll do my best to recreate the madness that once was today’s post. Maybe I should do video blogs. Would you watch if I did? Do you like reading more? Let’s vote on that subject.

With video, I think I can easily upload them to YouTube and embed them here like I did with the crawdad trick we played on Mr. Lane. Of course, I do not live alone, therefore, some of the other Lanes may make an appearance out of nowhere. They are all camera hams. Chances of me getting through a five to ten minute video, without interruption, is pretty slim. Would they turn into mini family videos? I have no clue.

I know Anita and Angie won’t be able to watch video blogs at work, but they can access the blog there, and they can watch from home. Mom would probably choose the video blogs because she may have forgotten what I look like.

You want to know something terrible? I mean, way worse than any laptop breakdown. Worse than a hard drive crash? Worse than a puppy getting left out in the cold to starve. Okay, well it’s bad but not puppy bad… I haven’t seen my mother since May.

That translates to seeing her twice this year. How fucked up is that? I didn’t really move THAT far away last year. My job isn’t THAT hard. It doesn’t make me THAT tired. I haven’t been THAT sick. The weather hasn’t been THAT crappy to drive in. The gas prices haven’t been THAT high that I couldn’t dump the couch over and find enough change to fill the tank with.

Fucked up! Right?! But those have been most of the excuses I have given myself to try and not feel guilty and miss her. But I do anyway. I miss her awful. Sure, I miss the other biatches in the family too, but Mom is a Grade A Biatch.

Anyhow, you think about the posts, video or text, vote, and I’ll go with what you choose. By the way, this is nothing like the lost in the laptop post so far. I’ll get to the short version of that now.

I am feeling better. Thank you all for the phone calls, ecards, emails, and comments. I did make it to the ER. They ran a battery of tests on me and decided that all of my innards were teaming up against me. There is a name for this, which I can’t know how to pronounce, let alone spell. Doc says it’s brought on by stress. I laughed at him because, hahaha, I have no stress in my life. I am one happy, carefree mother fucker.

With inflammation in my intestines, gallbladder, pancreas, stomach, etc., doc said I’d be fine if I took a bucket of pills everyday and stayed on a clear liquid diet for a few days.

Okay, clear liquid diet, it didn’t sound so bad coming from the doctor’s mouth, but what the hell?! It was terrible! Extra bad because I’d already been starving for a couple of months, eating only rice, bread and crackers. But now, I could only have chicken broth, jell-o, water, apple juice and Sprite.

Drinking chicken broth is like licking a chicken bone. There is no yummy goodness to be had, whatsoever. Eating jell-o, well, sure, there is always room for it, especially if you are starving. But try filling up on it sometime. It’s virtually impossible.

While trying to fill the void with jell-o, I couldn’t help but think about my dad and how much he hated jell-o. After surgery on his deviated septum, he had to stick with nasty blandness too. Jell-o was a staple of his diet then. Every bite he took, he’d say, slid right down. I couldn’t agree more with him. I couldn’t wait to sink my teeth into something that wasn’t going to slither down my throat.

I went through with it for three days. I thought I was ready to reintroduce bland food on day four. It was death by rice, I tell ya. Damn that rice. Obviously it was going to take more than three days. So I toughed it out three more days on clear liquids. Then I tried toast. I didn’t die, and it was likely the best dry toast I ever ate. After three days of bland dry food, I was finally ready to slowly add real food to my life.

I should have done things a little more gradually, but hunger makes me impatient and kind of bitchy so, I opted to go for broke. I struck up the grill and made a cheeseburger. In the history of cheeseburgers, there has never been a finer burger ever made. Within ten minutes of eating that wonderful slice of Heaven, I thought I was really going to die.

It was too soon to try something so unhealthy and flavorful. I was more careful for the rest of the week, and finally am feeling better, which can only mean one thing… Lois Lane is striking up the grill again today. And let's just hope I am not singing Hurts So Good, when I am done.