Holiday Hoopla: Take 1

Happy Thanksgiving late all y’all. Sorry I didn’t send my best wishes in the last post. I was a hopeful blogger before the holiday snuck by, only it didn’t turn out quite as I had planned.

Thanksgiving wasn't a total train wreck, yay! I had this image of how fucked up things would be and guess what?!?! It wasn’t too bad. Our plans included going to my mom’s house. We were going to arrive early and get our visiting done, so we could dine and dash after the scheduled dinner at 3. We were planning to go straight from my mom’s to Mr. Lane’s dad’s to spend the rest of the weekend.

Here’s the thing, it doesn’t sound all that bad, unless you know the details. My mom lives almost two hours away from us in the opposite direction of my father in-law’s. My father in-law lives in Missouri, which is eight and a half hours away from my mother’s.

That’s 10 ½ hours of driving, people! Sounds bad, huh?! But wait… there’s more. Take those 10-plus hours and add two kids and two puppies to the drive. As if that weren’t enough stress and holiday stupidity, add in the thought of driving back home… leaving children or puppies behind is not an option, but don’t think for one second the thought didn’t cross my mind.

Okay, so right off the get go, you can see where I was beginning to dread the holiday, right? Oh, but that is not all. Oh no. That is not all. My sister in-law and her husband, along with their three kids and one dog, also intended to spend the weekend there.

“How can anyone be thankful with this shit?” I asked myself in a rather whinish type tantrum voice inside of my own head.

Can you imagine how loud and stupid crazy it was going to be there? Our two kids, their three kids, my two dogs, their dog (that happens to be retarded, craps on everything and has seizures while puking up foam, and loses control of his bladder) my in-laws dog, that barks constantly, is aggressive over food, toys and my in-laws, and she likes to bite people… oh did I mention she also hates other dogs?

Add six adults to the mix and I was certain I was walking right into a frickin' pits of Hell! Sure. Of. It.

I stopped for a second to pray, “Dear Lord, please, please God hear my cries. I need your help. I don’t ask you for much, but today, well, I’m really in a bind. Good, wonderful, loving, sweet, understanding God, please let me come down with a bad case of food poisoning so I don't have to go!!! I swear, I will never do anything wrong ever again if you just please help me out this one time.”

See that? I'd rather puke and crap my brains out than take an active role in a holiday with family. And kids think being a grownup is so EASY. My ass, I say. My ass!

Since my attention span is as short as a puppy's, I’m going to save the details until Friday. That’s right, I am going to blog more than once this week. Tune in Friday and read all about The Lane Holiday Hoopla.