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Saturday, March 08, 2008

Be careful What You Wish For

Everyone and their brother is now on the bandwagon with the Law of Attraction (LOA). Well hells bells, Oprah said so. Anyone who knows me well, knows I loved Oprah a long time ago. For me, her show "Jumped the Shark" when she was dieting and brought out a wagon of fat to symbolize her weight loss. I haven't watched her since. Sure I may be missing out on some really good stuff, but the reality is, I'd rather be living life than watching it on TV.

But guess what? I've been on the Law of Attraction bandwagon my whole life. You longtime readers will note the three part Chip saga, the crazy princess turned pauper eight part story, the teenage runaway, the computer guy and the auto repair angels, among others. When a sign presents itself, I run with it to see where it takes me.

All of those stories are linked in order. If you are new here, please take some time to read those unbelievable, yet true stories. Or if you are an oldie but goodie and think of LOA as too cultish and weird. It's all good, because some of my closest friends do. Go back over those stories and consider how it has applied to my life.

One thing about the LOA that I never practiced was expectancy. I never expect anything out of life, and apparently, that is where I've been doing it wrong for years. I've always seen a happy outcome as a gift. If you've seen The Secret, a movie about LOA, that Oprah is now plugging, you know that you have to look for signs, work for a goal and then expect a positive outcome.

I thought Mr. Lane needed some help with positive thinking because seriously, he is a Negative Nate, especially when I get all stoked about stuff. He is the piss in my oatmeal. He is the poopoo in my Cheerios. Yeah, I love him but he is always the one in the family expecting the worst from everyone and every situation.

Reluctantly, he caved and watched The Secret with me and the kids. Lane 1 was my advocate. "Dad, if we are all working toward the same goals, chances are we can achieve them faster together." Ah, spoken like a true believer. I love that kid.

We stopped the movie at several places to discuss situations and scenarios. At one point, someone was discussing thinking about running. They envisioned it so well that their brainwave and muscle activity shows up as if the participant were really running a marathon. So this LOA stuff was suggesting body buffness with the power of thought.

With my former six pack abs now looking more like a keg, I said, "I'm going to get started on thinking about crunches to fix my stomach."

Without skipping a beat, Mr. Lane whispered in my ear, "Why not start doing mental kegels?"

My quiet retort, "You know I wouldn't have to visually kegel my va-jay-jay if you would just visually ball park that little Vienna Sausage you call a Kielbasa."

The kids didn't understand why we were laughing so hard, but we thought it best to spare them any nasty visuals.

At another point, they reiterated, wanting equals getting. That caused Mr. Lane's arm to reach over and pause the movie again. "I'm just going to keep asking for and thinking about a blow job."

"And I am going to keep asking what her name is. You do know I got married so I wouldn't have to do that sort of thing anymore, right?"

Typical of my husband, his wants are always wrapped in a sexual bow. But I was happy that he watched it with us and that he didn't piss in our oatmeal.

So this film was saying, want something, see it, mentally feel it, believe it and poof, it's yours. Whether you are praying to God or your kitchen table, ask for what you want. I'm no worse for the wear for trying this. I think all the time anyhow. Why not put those thoughts and energies to good use?

You all know how badly Lane 2 wanted the Wii. And you know we have been looking for one since November. The day after watching The Secret with my family, I woke up saying, "I'm getting the Wii for her." I believed it, I saw her playing it in my head. I drove to the store.

I walked down the aisle I saw in my mind earlier. Walked up to the kid in electronics and said, "Did you get my Wii yet?"

Looking at me like I'm stupid, he said, "Um... we don't know if we are getting any."

I said, "You are. Hey while you are in that cabinet, will you grab that game for me?"

"This one, for the Wii?"


"You can't play the game without the console."

"I know, but you are going to get them in and I'm going to buy one today."

Really giving me the hairy eyeball, he said, "Okay." and handed me the game.

I continued to visualize my daughter playing the game. I could hear her laughing in my mind. Every time that kid walked by, he looked at me like I was his crazy customer of the day. The one he would go home and tell his family about. I'd just smile at him each time. Finally, because he seriously was giving me the you're nuts lady look, I said in a creepy voice, "It will happen." He smiled at the nice crazy lady and went on to do his job.

A few minutes later a lady walks up and says, "Are you waiting for what I'm waiting for?"

"The Wii? Yes."

"Oh, well no one ever has them. We've been looking a long time." She motioned to walk away.

"Stay here, and wait with me. I have a good feeling about it today."

Instead of looking at me like I am crazy, she smiled and waited in my makeshift line. She started to open up about things in her life that were bothering her. I felt like an express lane therapist. But it was okay, because I welcomed this lady into my life. And the movie speaks of acting on impulse.

She told me that her fiancé was out of state visiting a dying relative. She said she felt bad not being there. I said, to be glad for the living memories and not the end of life stuff. And besides, who really knows if she has two weeks to live.

"Have faith in her," I said. "You just never know." She smiled, said I was right and then told me more about the family member. Her daughter walked up and asked if they had the Wii.

My confidence rubbed off on her and she said, "Not yet, but today is our lucky day. It'll be here soon."

Her daughter gave her the look, and I said, "Positive thinking, little one."

The wait seemed to go by quickly as I made a new momentary friend. And then the boy came up to me, stood way too much in my personal space, about four inches from my nose, somewhat mesmerized, and said, "We got 12 of 'em. We NEVER git 12." I smiled really goofy and couldn't stop. Wide-eyed he smiled back.

I paid, said goodbye and headed out of the store with the dumbest smile that couldn't be removed from my face. And then I heard the music as I exited the store. Chris Daughtry was singing, "Be careful what you wish for, 'cuz you just might get it all." Now giggling like a school girl aloud, and alone I floated out of that store. Fuckin' A Chris Daughtry, I totally got it all!! (I might have even said that aloud.)

Was it LOA? Was it good timing? Was it patience? Was it God? Was it my kitchen table? Was it crazy lady voodoo? Who cares how. We got a fricken Wii ladies and gentlemen!

And now for something completely different and short winded...

Inanna, sing baby sing! My dear friend Inanna, has volunteered her singing services per my request below. Get me an audio file and I'll get to the mega generic/ghetto video production. I can see it now... every trailer park in the country will be bumpin' with I'm Saucy.

Okay pigs must be flying, or hell is freezing over! My mother got a MySpace!

Please add her, and let her know I sent you so she knows who her best kid is. And maybe, just maybe, she'll move me out of the 6th slot on her top friends. She did offer to give me her password to remedy the situation, but I told her the truth.

I said, "Mom, keep your password or I will post a headline that says I am your favorite kid. Then I'll post a bulletin about how rotten the other kids of yours are. I will also fill your album with pictures of only me. And I will delete all of the other kids in our family because I was supposed to be an only child!"