I'm Bossy

Mr. Lane is a little bitch when it comes to town gossip. I swear he is worse than any woman I have ever come across. This local barber guy is in his 90s and always butchers the crap out of Mr. Lane’s hair. Hell, he butchers everyone’s hair. Hence, he is known in these parts as Bill the Butcher. Seriously, everyone in town calls him that.

But everyone goes to Bill’s Butchery, I mean Barbershop. Some towns have their bars, or mom and pop shops where locals gather. Here it's at the barbershop. If you want to know who is screwing who, that's where you need to be. What's really funny to me is that the local guys are lining up outside before 6 a.m. on a Saturday. Where else in the world can you get a haircut so early?

One or two of the regulars bring donuts. Another makes a pot of coffee. The whole scenario would make for a great sitcom or mockumentary.

Every couple of weeks my old man goes in for a "haircut." Every single time, Bill cuts around his ears so much that it looks like my old man is sporting whitewall tires on the sides of his head. It’s a small sacrifice to pay for the gossip, I guess.

The whole town is weird. And since we've been here over a year now, I see weirdness everywhere I go. And seriously, none of us Lanes are ever going to drink the water. Face it, we are weird enough without the influence of our neighbors or the apparent tainted water supply.

Just last week, when one of my online friends said the pictures of me on MySpace were saucy, it turned into insanity in my brain. It not only turned into a song but a full length video inside of my head.

Those of you who have been reading Home Fires over the years may remember a little ditty I wrote after encountering an odd opossum loving lady. Crazy Opossum Lady was a smash hit, thanks to the mad music skills of Vince. (Vince if you have that online somewhere and would like to link it in the comments, feel free.)

This song came to mind a little differently because in my mind I was singing it to another song's beat. One of these days, I am going to grow some balls and make that video. Until then, here's the lyrics that I now sing to the song "Bossy."

Hey ya
You don't have to love me
You don't even have to like me
But you will simmer me
You know why?
Cuz I'm a sauce!


Uh uh watch the meat go
Uh uh watch the meat go
Uh uh watch the meat go
Uh uh watch that meat go


I'm saucy
I'm the first girl to steam in a pan
I switched up the meat and the rum
That's right, I brought the tomatoes to the pot
And that's right, I'm the one that's slippin' off the spoon wit da slots


I'm saucy
I'm the chick you love to taste
I'm the chick that's made with tomato paste
I told young cooka he should get a plate
I'm back with an parmesan to grate
'cause I'm saucy


Ooh, lemme slow it down for ya so you can catch the bubblin' yo (catch the bubble flow)
Stir it up make it go extra slow (extra slow)
Real girls get down wit da noodle yo (wit da noodle yo get down, wit da noodle yo)

Ooh, I gave you a taste you want some more (second round)
Of it in yo bowl
I ride the meat like a bicycle, icicle
Ooh, from the sausage to da meatball
The honey makin' food in the kitchen
Don't want no extra fixin's
We gon' keep it bubblin' while the plate's so full it's strugglin'

Garlic on my neck, ga-garilc on my grill
Garlic on my neck, ga-garilc on my grill

Ooh, (I bet, I bet) I bet cha neva ate it like this before (this before)
My baby be lickin' up as the sauce pours (sauce pours)
Got the jar popping is it Ragu or Prego (Ragu or Prego)
Ooh, I'm cookin', feedin' the crowds, it's all smoky
Garlic bread flambé yo
Me and my girls we stay fly and we love oregano high
Ooh, from the sausage to da meatball
The honey making food in the kitchen
Don't want no extra fixin's
We gon' keep it bubblin' while the plate's so full it's strugglin'

Garlic on my neck, ga-garilc on my grill
Garlic on my neck, ga-garilc on my grill

It's 'bout time that ya simmer me
Can't stop stirin', she's hot and she's steamy
Damn girl, don't burn 'em
If cookas don't get back, you gon' boil 'em
Get your mack on, set the mozzarella down
What chu want girl, you getting seconds now
That's how you eat it, huh?
Well I'm the tastiest one
In fact, it's in the pot get to the table while it's hot (bitch)
Tell that man you' want a sausage
Make some noise, raise your hand if you want da sausage
I don't think he understands teeth on his sausage
Get a new meatball if you lost it
Ain't no preservatives, fresh spent the cash mayne
In your Benz with her friends eat some Lois Lane
Flossing, you say "How much Lo cost me?"
About a million dollars playa, she's saucy

Uh uh... watch the meat go...
Uh uh... watch the meat go...
Uh uh... watch the meat go...
Uh uh... watch the meat go...
Uh uh... watch the meat go...
Uh uh... watch the meat go...
Uh uh... watch the meat go...
Uh uh... watch the meat go...
Uh uh...

And now you know why I need not take chances with drinking the water here. I seriously will never hear the song the same again. How about you? If you got killer singing skills and want to be part of this mega generic/ghetto production, volunteer in the comments below. Have a great and saucy weekend yo! Word!

P.S. I'm so white, I glow in the dark.