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Friday, December 11, 2009

Love Drunk

This post is not for the faint of heart, children, family members or anyone who wishes to continue viewing me in a virginal light. (How’s that for a disclaimer?!)

I went out to lunch with the girls last week. My friend Jodi hooked me up with a bottle of sure-fire-sex, better known as a raspberry tart ale, brewed in Wisconsin.

Me and the old man don’t drink very often so it only took one glass each before we were giddy and…naked. (There’s no turning back. I warned you!)

He climbs on top, hits the mark, and says, “Oh yeah!”

I said, “Are we calling your dick Kool-Aid Man now because it‘s busting through the vaginal walls?” Laughing pretty good at my own joke, I started coughing.

“Damn, girl! You know when you cough…it gets tighter.”

“Are you going to ask Santa to bring me emphysema for Christmas?”

Laughing so hard, he lost his balance, splatting himself flat against my body like starfish clinging to a rock. Did I mention we were in the bathtub? Anyhow, water whooshed out of the tub and onto the floor…and onto the cat who happened to be walking by trying to mind his own business. Chippy never hisses but he was pissed! Which only made us laugh harder.

Mr. Lane felt bad for the now “saturated…pussy” as he called him, and got out of the tub to dry him off. As he stepped out of the tub (man I wish there was video of this moment) he slid into a half spilt, whacking his nuts on the edge of the tub.

And I announced, “Just in time for Christmas, the Nutcracker live from the Lane Lavatory!” Hunched over, trying to hold his balls and stomach, while clutching a towel, he mustered a laugh, and said, “I guess that’s what I get for going after a wet pussy that isn’t yours.”

Tiger Woods could learn a lot from my old man.

Jodi, we never actually finished the deed that night, but we shared something even more special. Thank you!

The rest of you can look now.

Incidentally, the song in this title, Love Drunk, is another song my old man screwed up royally. One day I heard him singing, “I used to be love drunk, but now I’m just fucked up.”

Lucky for me he is as gullible as he is deaf. So I lied and said, “Babe, it says, ‘I used to be love drunk, but I’m just a dumb fuck.’”

It’s kind of my favorite when I hear him singing it now.

(RE: Post below, thanks for all of your help and encouragement, you guys rock!)