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Sunday, January 02, 2005

Guests From Hell

UPDATED: Edited for Jack

My beauty sleep was completely ruined by the big New Years Eve celebration. I stayed awake until 5:30 in the morning. More than anything I wanted to take a nap yesterday but instead, I had a house full of people. All of my guests, except my mother and father in-law, who will be leaving Tuesday, finally left just before dinnertime. I've never had a 24 hour party before and after the way this one went, I hope to never have one again.

I've never been so drunk that I've lost my memory. A couple of my guests, however, awoke with killer headaches and amnesia. I decided there needed to be at least one responsible grown up in the house and didn't take one sip of alcohol. These were very entertaining drunks but not always in a funny way.

The kids and most of the adults went to bed soon after 1 a.m. My sister in-law Karen was alternating between Tanqueray and tonic and beer. My other sister in-law Pat and my brother in-law Mark (married to Karen) were slamming beers. And then there was me. I knew going to sleep and leaving them on the edge of a knock down drag out was a bad idea so I stayed awake to play referee.

A little background for you: Pat works with Mark. They have plenty of work tension they bring to these "family" parties. Karen has always held a bit of hostility because she wanted the job Pat got but her husband told her, at the time, she couldn't apply because they were married. We think he made that up. Mostly, he is a dawg. Family suspicions about him are that he has a couple of gal pals in the workplace. Pat has not confirmed or denied said rumors.

The entire day had looming tension building up. The kind that made me feel like a brawl could breakout any second. I am good at breaking tension, thankfully.

I've never really paid much attention to either sister in-law drunk before but knowing I was planning on sharing the follies of the night with you guys, I made a few mental notes.

Karen is the kind of drunk who pretends not to be drunk. When her feet stumbled, she acted as if she meant to do that and turned it into a dance. In midsentence, she kept losing her thought and hours later, out of nowhere, would shout, "Oh, I know what I was going to say."

She's also the type who likes to travel down memory lane. Being the oldest child, she recalls every sibling short coming that ever existed. She likes to talk about those things the most. "Hey do you remember the time you shit your pants and hid the evidence in the picnic cooler?" Ahhh, memories.

Pat seemed to be signaling dolphins with her high-pitched squealing laugh. Although she was harder to listen to than her sister, she was funnier to watch. She stood waiting for a "good song" to come on, doing the heal toe, heal toe, rocking thing only drunks can actually pull off. She also had a case of noodle body. When she laughed her body jolted forward and than sprung back quickly, which bounced her back again.

"Wooo!" What is the reason some drunk girls make this sound? Pat repeated this sound every time a song came on that she liked. And she kept high-fiving me, like every four minutes. She is also the "I love you man!" drunk and the type to give sneak attack hugs and kisses for no apparent reason.

Before long Mark, AKA Dawg, Karen and Pat were looser than a couple of whores on Saturday night. They are a touchy feely bunch anyhow, but this was way different. It kind of reminded me of a 70s porno, cheesy disco music, three chicks, one guy, everyone not looking so hot.

I tried to inform Pat that she was hitting on the wrong sex, and not only the wrong sex but the same person who happens to be married to her brother. Then there's Mark. He gives this hug like he is only saying goodnight and happy new year. Next thing you know, he is trying to cop a feel of any and all body parts. So I said, "Wrong sister in-law. I'm sober, and by the way, not with someone else's pussy." What? you think that was too harsh?

I finally convinced them 5:30 a.m. was a good time to go to bed. The kids were up by 9. If this is any indication of how 2005 is going to be for me, I think I'll put more effort into becoming a raging alcoholic.