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Saturday, May 14, 2005

Baby's Got Her Blue Jeans On

Mr. Lane, Mr. Romantic, Mr. You're Not My Mom So I Don't Have To Buy You Stuff For Mother's Day, told me to buy myself a new pair of jeans a couple of weeks ago.

Since our son, Lane 1 has been wearing my jeans into the ground, I've been complaining that I have nothing to wear. Mr. Buttplug, I mean, Mr. Lane, suggested that I go in the lady's department for jeans, rather than the men's.

"But babe! You know I hate girl pants!"

"I know but you are a girl."

"Are you saying I don't dress and look feminine?"

"No! I'm saying the boy won't take your pants if they are girl pants."

"So, you are telling me that I should wear pants I don't feel comfortable in just so YOUR son doesn't wear my pants?"


"Listen, when I wear lady's jeans, I feel like my ass got hungry and ate my pants. The ride up my crack, not very comfy, ya know. How do you think that seam feels on some of my most sensitive spots? How about you buy Boy Wonder his own pants and leave me out of this equation?"

"I just thought that you wanted something for Mother's Day. Since he has taken most of your pants, I thought that would be a good gift."

"So, why not just buy me something and surprise me on Mother's Day?"

"Um, I don't know. It's not like you're my mom, Lois. Plus, I really don't know what size you wear and what kind you like and..."

"I am the mother of your children and that should count for something, shouldn't it? And maybe you could have looked at the tag on my pants, like I do to yours when I buy you clothes and surprise you."

"We have this same conversation every year. We are here now, so just grab a pair of jeans, okay?"

My tone was condescending, his was annoyed but it wasn't exactly an argument. It's just that I thought it was a shitty way to get a gift.

Off to the lady's department we went. I looked at all the new styles of Levis. I missed the days when all they had were 501s and 505s. Now there are so many hip hugging, low riding, regular and relaxed fits. Not to mention all the different leg cuts. Chick's pants are complicated. I don't need all that. I just want a pair of normal fucking jeans. The thing is, if you pick out normal jeans that aren't a special cut, you get stuck with Mom Jeans. Here's an SNL video clip in case you aren't quite sure what Mom Jeans are.

"Sweetheart, there's too many to choose from. Would you pick a pair or two that you would like to see me in and I'll go try them on and then maybe I can make a decision?"

Looking like he would rather swallow nails whole and shit them out later, he said, "Sure. How about these and these?"

"Those low-rise pants are a little too low don't you think?"

"I wouldn't know unless you tried them on."

I held the jeans against my body, "See here, where the waistband is? That's where my pubic hair begins, which ain't really the look I was hoping for."

"Hmmm. Okay, try these."

"They look like bellbottoms."

"But they won't when you wear your boots."

"Fine, I'll try them but I really don't think flares are supposed to be worn with cowboy boots."

"You're right. Maybe we can get you some chunky heeled shoes while we are here."

"Chunky heels? Are you fucking kidding me? Have you been reading chick magazines or taking some kind of fashion class I don't know about?"

"No! I saw this stuff on that makeover show."

"Sweetheart, you know how much I love my boots. Even if we did buy chunky heels, I probably wouldn't wear them."

Lane 1 chimes in. "Mom, go back to the guy stuff. I promise I won't wear your new jeans."

"Pinky swear?" I extended my pinky, interlocking with his and walked back to the men's department. I found and grabbed my size and style within seconds.

"That's it?" Mr. Lane asked baffled.


"Well shit. We should have done this in the first place."

"Uh huh." I smiled.

"Do you need anything else? A new bra or something?"

I raised my eyebrows at that man, "You really want to go through all this again?"